According to the Pew Research Center, 59% of Americans think dating apps are a good way to meet someone, and more and more people sign up every day. But if you’re not getting any responses, you might think, “Do dating apps and online dating sites really work?” Here’s some advice on how to get the most out of your time on Tinder, Bumble, Okcupid, Grindr, Coffee Meets Bagel, or any other dating app.
Whether your goal is to land a fling or to get married, there is an app for you out there to meet people. And you know what else? There are a LOT of people on them, especially men. You’re competing against all these men for the attention of a limited number of women. That’s why there’s no dating app that guarantees to get you laid or find you a date. It’s a number’s game. You gotta be smart.
That means one thing: if you’re making a handful of critical errors, from your first message to your profile picture, you’re hurting your odds of ever getting a real life potential partner, which makes it impossible to get a hookup, which makes it impossible to get laid, have a long-term relationship, or meet that one special soulmate.
In this blog post, I offer up a handful of techniques to increase your odds of a potential match and become a better online dater. But first, I want to get one thing out of the way.
So many men tell me that they get these matches on a. dating site, they’ll exchange a couple messages with a woman, just to get ghosted. She just stops writing back. Men just can’t figure out why women don’t respond, but there may be a number of reasons (that have nothing to do with you!)
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Reason #1: She’s busy.
She has so much choice. She’s inundated with messages from other men. They are filling up her inbox. She’s getting hundreds, if not thousands, of messages if she’s on multiple apps.
Again, it’s a number’s game. All women in dating apps get their inboxes stuffed to the brim.
It could be that your message is in a sea of hundreds of messages.
And she’s also a real person! She has a job, she might have a dog, she’s got a social circle, family, and hobbies. She’s got projects due at work, homework due at school – she has a full life and she doesn’t know who you are. You’re just a stranger showing up in her inbox.
So the fact that she’s not messaging you back really has nothing to do with YOU, it has more to do with her, and the fact that she’s living a complete and busy life. And please take that into consideration. Do not get all angry and pissy with her if you feel like she’s rejecting you.
It’s really not about you, so try not to take it personally.
So many men come to me, and they’re hurt. They want me to read their Tinder profile, their bio, and messages and let them know if they made a mistake with their first move. Chances are, you didn’t make a mistake. She’s just a busy human being who has a real life, and your initial message is not a high enough priority for her to get back to you.
Reason #2: She had a successful date or found a romantic relationship.
Since our culture prioritizes monogamy, it could be that she’s not messaging anyone back until she sees how things go with some great guy she had a successful date with.
Reason #3: She might be using the apps for a pick-me-up.
She might not be on the online dating service to ACTUALLY snag romantic partners. She might just want to feel desired, so she’s not messaging everyone back. If that’s the case, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
No matter the reason for the crickets, keep one thing in mind: it’s not that she was the one for you and somehow didn’t notice. After a couple nice exchanges with someone, you might start thinking that it’s meant to be that she’s the perfect love of your life because she ALSO loves Italian ice and going to the art museum and you have a bunch of common interests. You might have built her up to be “the one”. Forget that idea. She was a cutie, but there are new people out there.
Remember – it’s a number’s game. Don’t minimize your odds of finding the right person for you.
Massive Mistakes That Hurt Your Chance of Getting Responses
On the other hand, if you’re consistently getting ghosted (or not getting any messages at all), it could be that you’re making a handful of the most common, crushing errors that I see men make while they’re on dating apps. Like everything else in life, dating apps come with certain etiquette rules. Here’s the low-down:
#1. You Don’t Customize Your Messages
I’m not saying that you need write a long opening message about this woman that specifically references three things from her dating profile. But you do need a conversation starter more creative or imaginative than “How’s your week going?”
What answer could she possible give that will lead to a good conversation and discovering compatibility?
Make a great first impression by noticing something about one of her pictures or commenting on something in her dating profile – find something to ask about.
Or, open with saying something about yourself! You don’t necessarily have to ask her a question. Your opener can include a comment, a thought, or an interesting tidbit about you that relates to something from her profile.
#2. You’re Asking Too Many Questions or Giving Too Many Answers.
All conversations, whether they’re taking place on a dating app, a bar, between new friends or thanksgiving dinner, are a balance of questions and answers. Both people are responsible for both sides of the conversation.
It’s not rocket science, but when we’re nervous and distracted, thinking about how we’re going to respond and come off to this person – it’s easy to lose track of how to have a polite, normal conversation.
Balance the questions and the answers, and balance the amount of text you’re sending. If she sends you two full paragraphs and you send her back a couple of sentences, it’s not going to lead the conversation equally between two people.
#3. You’re not being yourself.
Phoniness is a deal breaker. Show her your REAL traits that make you a great guy.
You’re giving her what you think she wants instead of what’s authentic for you. Listen, she’s thinking about dating YOU. She needs to get to know who YOU are in order to make the decision whether or not to meet up with you. And the same is true for you. You want to be able to decide really quick if she’s the type of person you’re interested in bringing into your dating life.
The easiest way? Get real.
Think about how much work it takes a woman to go out on a first date. She has to come home from work, change out of her work clothes, put on makeup, miss a night with friends – just saying, there are sacrifices to be made to go on a date. Don’t be responsible for a waste of time.
You want to put your best foot forward, but make sure it’s YOUR foot, not the foot of some fake creep who you think she’s going to like. She’s either going to like you, or she’s not. So be sure to balance the right amount of personality and flavor and not being too strong in any one direction so she has the chance to get to know ALL of you, not just one particular part.
How To Avoid Dud Daters Where There’s No Chemistry or Connection
Too often, you meet up at a coffee shop with an online dater and there’s no chemistry or spark. You don’t have a good time. I hear about this all the time from my clients. They say, “We had a drink, we sat across from each other at a fancy bar and it cost me $30 and we went our separate ways.”
Find a better match. Don’t go out with people you don’t have chemistry with.
So how do you determine if you have chemistry with someone?
I’ll tell you – it’s not by exchanging a hundred messages back and forth. When you’re just exchanging messages with someone, you’re not getting a meaningful connection.
Find Chemistry Before the Date: Get off Social Media and dating apps and get on the Phone!
The easy way to see if you’re compatible: get on the phone! Millennials especially are going to panic at the idea of picking up the phone. But from personal experience, talking on the phone is the best way to see if you have chemistry with another person, because guess what? If they’re shy and you hate their voice, they’re going to be just as shy in person and their voice is only going to be worse but you can’t escape it when you’re sitting across from them!
If you don’t have chemistry over the phone, you won’t have chemistry in person. Save yourself from spending money on a person you don’t even want to hang out with.
Rule of Thumb: after you’ve had three exchanges, (which includes first contact, a different conversation about another topic, and then a third conversation over any amount of time) you offer to text. Say, “Hey, I don’t love chatting in this app. Do you want to text?”
This is crucial for men, because you’re being upfront and putting the ball in her court. You’re giving her your number, and giving her the chance to continue things if she wants. You’re giving her the opportunity to decide if she wants to pursue you.
After texting, offer a phone call. Say something along the lines of “Hey, I’ve gotta go walk my dog! Do you mind switching to a call?” It makes most sense to do this when you’re already exchanging messages back and forth because you know she’s with her phone, you already have her attention, so you can say “I have to walk around and clean my house. Would you mind switching to a phone call?”
If there’s chemistry, ask her out on a date!The point of dating is dating – not writing endless messages back and forth.
Land a Date by Being Specific
And when you make your. first move and ask her out on a date, be specific. Don’t say, “Would you like to go out on a date sometime?” Instead, say something like “Want to get together this Saturday for dinner? There’s a cute bar around the corner from my house and I’d love to take you out for a drink. How’s Thursday?” Or another good example: “Hey, you love the art museum. What do you think about checking it out together this Saturday around 2 pm?”
Now it’s time for her to give feedback. She might say “Actually, weeknights don’t work for me” or “It might be too early to meet in person. Let’s keep talking on the apps.” And that’s fine. At least you’re giving her something to work with.If you want to go out on a date, get laid, find a serious relationship… you have to take initiative, make decisions, and make plans that are specific.
Online dating is a numbers game. If you take every piece of advice I just gave you and apply it to what you’re doing, you’re going to increase the number of messages you get, and increase the number of dates you go on.And remember: don’t take everything so seriously.
Online dating is a huge subject. I’m sure there are more things you’d like me to talk about. So, leave a comment and let me know what more you want to know!
And of course, be sure to check out my YouTube channel for more insight on how to have a mind-blowing sex life, including how to last longer in bed, great sex positions, dating tips, and more.
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