What to do when a guy can’t cum (Delayed ejaculation)

Delayed ejaculation is like the sexual equivalent of “The Song That Never Ends”. Sounds great at first, but soon enough you may be pulling your hair out wishing it would just STOP already!

Either delayed ejaculation is on the rise, or more men are talking about it, but as a sex coach and researcher, I’m hearing a lot more about delayed ejaculation these days.

In this article we’ll explore what delayed ejaculation is, how it can impact your sex life, five root causes, and how to manage it.

What is Delayed Ejaculation?

Some medical sources and establishments describe delayed ejaculation in terms of minute count: In the words of Healthline, “Delayed ejaculation (DE) occurs when a man needs more than 30 minutes of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm and ejaculate.”

I tend to agree more with how WebMD puts it: “If men and their partner don’t mind how long it takes them to ejaculate, then it really doesn’t matter. […] However, some men do mind how long it takes them to ejaculate. They mind a lot — and so do their partners.”

When I refer to “delayed ejaculation”, I’m referring to you being unable to ejaculate when you (and your partner) are ready … whenever that may be. Maybe you want to last for hours or have a quickie.

How Delayed Ejaculation Can Impact Your Sex Life

Even though it might sound fun to be able to have endless sex marathons, delayed ejaculation can become a huge strain on your sex life. From taking too long to orgasm, to not being able to orgasm at all — an impaired ability to ejaculate when you and your partner are ready can affect your confidence and sexual satisfaction. It can also lead to insecurities, confusion, and resentment in your partner.

5 Root Causes of Impaired Ejaculation

what to do when a guy can't cum (delayed ejaculation)

The first step to overcoming delayed ejaculation is to address the root cause(s): WHY it happens to you, and what you can do about it.

1. Feelings of shame during arousal

Shame is something I encounter so often in my delayed ejaculation clients.

In order to reach an orgasm, you have to be aroused, but arousal looks different in all of us. Some men get aroused at the drop of their pants and other guys take longer. Which is completely normal.

The problem occurs when what arouses us also fills us with feelings of shame.

This is where you have to be really honest with yourself about what your ideal sex life looks like. Because we don’t have a lot of control over what we’re attracted to or what turns us on. Maybe you’re afraid to bring your fetish or kink up with your partner. Maybe you feel pressure to be dominant in the bedroom, but all you really want is to be a sweet submissive.

Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself to find a way to achieve arousal without feelings of shame.

The first step to banishing shame: coming to terms with yourself. Accept yourself!

If you’re in a partnership, have an open and honest conversation about what you want your sex life to look like. The right person will be able to engage with your desires, and you never know… it could be a great opportunity to spice things up and try something new in bed.

2. Not being present during intimacy

Some men who struggle with delayed ejaculation find it hard to be truly present during sex. In order to orgasm, your mind and body both have to be fully engaged.

When you’re with your partner, allow yourself the time and space to enjoy their body. Notice everything that turns you on about what they’re doing. Notice how you feel, both physically and mentally. Tune into your body. Focus on your breath and every sensation as it happens. You’d be surprised what a difference it makes. 

Be sure to communicate what’s working for you and guide away from what isn’t. 

PRO TIP: If you want to supercharge your sexual experience and learn how to achieve sexual presence, there’s a lot you can learn from tantric experts. I’ve rounded up 5 tantric tips that can keep you present and invigorate your sex life.

If you’re still struggling to stay present during sex with your partner, address any underlying issues in the relationship. Take the time to focus on each other and all the things you enjoy about one another. Celebrate the wins – both inside the bedroom and out. 

When you’re having sex, whether it’s with yourself or with someone else, so important to really notice and be in tune with the wonderful experience you’re sharing.

3. Your porn habits

What you’re watching while you masturbate might be the culprit. There are a few reasons for this. 

Porn has the ability to take us out of our bodies. When you’re masturbating to pornography, chances are you’re more focused on the images you’re seeing than being in tune with the sensations in your body.

Our bodies and sexual minds are adaptable, and over time, they begin to associate graphic imagery with ejaculation. This means, that when you find yourself with an actual person, your body might be under-stimulated without the usual cues that porn provides. 

This means you might be dependent on porn to achieve ejaculation. 

This problem is intensified if the porn you watch contains any form of violence… and a lot of porn these days does. It’s easy to get both mentally and physically desensitized, which can lead to impaired ejaculation.

What’s the solution? For the time being, stop watching porn. Quitting porn for a spell may be the answer to improving your sex life… and I don’t mean quitting for a week or two. You’ll need to cut the porn habit for a year or so to enjoy the full benefits of allowing your body to learn how to orgasm without it.

4. Your masturbation habits

The way you have sex with yourself is practice for how you have sex with others. Masturbation is one big dress rehearsal. 

That’s right – when you masturbate, you’re setting the standard for what you need in order to get off when you’re with another person. 

Men who experience delayed ejaculation tend to require more stimulus than men who don’t. 

This means they stroke faster, need more firmness and friction, skip the lube, and squeeze really tightly when they masturbate. 

If this is how you masturbate, then chances are you’re not experiencing those same sensations when you’re with a partner

For a lot of women, there’s a time and a place for rougher sex! Having said that, if your penis needs a death grip to get off, chances are, the average mouth or vagina isn’t going to cut it. 

Just like with porn, it’s possible your body has adapted to needing this level of aggression in order to ejaculate. 

The solution: switch up your masturbation routine. Try taking it down a notch when you masturbate. Little by little, you may find that you can ejaculate with a softer touch or at a slower pace. 

You might also try is halting masturbation altogether. Masturbation cessation can help you build sexual tension so you’re ready to orgasm when you have sex with a woman.

5. Physical or medical conditions

If you’ve addressed all the mental and emotional things that could be causing your delayed ejaculation, there’s the possibility that your condition is physical or medical.

A good place to start is to consider whether you experience this on your own or only with a partner?

If you’re unable to reach orgasm when you’re masturbating, this could be a symptom of a physical cause. 

There are lots of physical things that can cause delayed ejaculation – including a reaction to medications, birth defects, UTI’s, hormonal imbalances, alcohol intake, injuries, or mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety.

If you find that you’re having a hard time reaching orgasm, and you think it might be physical… I highly suggest reaching out to a medical professional who can help you evaluate the possible cause.

You deserve to have a rich and invigorating sex life, and the help you need is out there. 

So whether your delayed ejaculation is rooted in emotional factors, how you masturbate or what you masturbate to… You can absolutely work through your struggles and overcome them to achieve your personal sexual best. 

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