What you do immediately after sex tells me a lot about who you are as a lover.
Thing is, a lot of people don’t even think about those moments right after sex, which is a shame.
Because what you do right after sex is more important than any technique you could ever use during sex itself.
Because what you do right after sex tells a woman whether or not she wants to have sex with you again.
So listen up! Aftercare is an important tool for becoming a better lover. So if you want to have an amazing sex life and a strong, intimate relationship, you need to remember this important piece that most people forget.
Foreplay Doesn’t Begin When You Think It Does.
Surprise: foreplay starts immediately after your two sweaty bodies fall apart from each other and you lay in your post-orgasmic glow.
The minute you get up from that glow is when foreplay starts before the next session. I don’t care if it’s 20 minutes or 20 days later: foreplay begins in those post-coital moments.
That’s why in this article, I’m laying out EXACTLY what to do after you’re finished with your roll in the sheets, your horizontal tango.
I’m going to show you exactly what to do, a step-by-step guide, to make sure that you are meeting your partner’s needs so she invites you back into her bed again and again and again, whether that’s the bed that you’ve shared for 20 years or it’s a new bed you’re exploring for the first time.
Are You Guilty of Snoring 20 Seconds After Sex?
It’s a trope, but it’s not entirely unfair.
Men, you’re especially guilty of wrapping up sex, rolling over and snoring within 20 seconds of being done.
Quite frankly, this can leave your partner feeling abandoned, even used.
There’s those little shame gremlins that start to crawl up that’s like, “He was just using you for sex the whole time. You’re a dirty slut just like your Grandma June used to say.”
You see, rolling over and abandoning your partner immediately after sex can start to sow the seeds of doubt in your relationship. It can make your partner wonder if she means something to you, if sex was meaningful and connected.
Remember: every time women have sex, we are climbing an uphill battle against all the conditioning we’ve had throughout our entire lives: that women shouldn’t want sex, that we should have it, that she wouldn’t do it…. So sex can leave us feeling a bit… “blah” afterwards.
How Sex Leaves Us All Feeling Vulnerable
It’s not just women. We are ALL vulnerable after sex.
Women feel vulnerable after sex because we’ve let someone into our body, but men feel vulnerable because they’ve been exposed, especially if they have any erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.
Sex is a vulnerable place no matter who you are. This is why aftercare is so important… because after this vulnerable experience, it’s essential to experience the sweet, loving touch of a cuddle or whatever else you need.
Aftercare acts as a balm… a beautiful and amazing way to get closure after this expanding experience.
Post-Coital Aftercare is an Art and Science.
Once I was dating a guy who would regularly roll over and go to sleep immediately after sex. At best, he would get up and run to the bathroom and then come back and roll over and go to sleep, not even facing me.
When I confronted him about it, he was like, “Cool, got it. I understand, you need cuddling.” But the next time we had sex, he wrapped his entire body around me afterward. He almost had me in a choke hold. I felt like I couldn’t get away, I couldn’t breathe. It was actually worse than him ignoring me.
Moral of the story: there’s a fine line. Cuddling, connecting, being there with your partner after sex is an art as well as a science.
There is a sweet spot in between totally ignoring your partner and crushing them with an undesired amount of physical intensity.
Your After-Sex Behavior Promotes the Well-Being of Your Relationship.
Here’s why post-sex aftercare is so important…
No matter what the exact recipe for your partner is, affectionate after-sex behavior promotes the wellbeing of your relationship. You see, showing your partner genuine affection after sex shows you care about her, that you truly appreciate the radical act of openness and vulnerability she has just shared with you.
It shows that you honor that sex is more than just bumping uglies, knocking boots, et cetera. It’s the opportunity for your two souls to connect on a deeper level.
When you give her genuine affection, even if that’s from a distance, even if it’s close and cuddly, it shows her you’re not just with her to get your rocks off or using her for sex. It shows that you genuinely care for her and appreciate the experience you just shared together.
According to Psychology Today, a 2014 study showed that those couples who engage in a longer duration of post-sex affection, like snuggling or caressing, reported greater sexual satisfaction, which translated to higher ratings of relationship satisfaction.
Especially if your lives are packed as a couple — if you have children, busy lives, careers, etc — the tender post-coital time is even more important to achieve that deep connection with each other.
Making time for sex is really important. And carving a little bit of extra time to honor your relationship and the connection you just shared is sacred.
Even if you have rough, quickie sex, spending a moment or two afterward just appreciating each other is vital to the health of your sex life.
A Caveat: Reason #1000 You Might Want to Give Your Woman an Orgasm
There is a stereotype about women that we all need a good cuddle immediately after sex in order to feel safe and happy and healthy in our relationship. There’s a little bit of truth to that, but here’s what some researchers found out…
When women reach orgasm and have a pleasurable sexual experience, they actually care less and need aftercare less than when they don’t have a good sexual experience.
In other words, if they have an orgasm, the after-sex care doesn’t matter as much. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter at all, but basically you’re good to take some liberty with that. You can connect just by saying, “Hey, babe, good job. High five.”
But what if she doesn’t have an orgasm?
That’s when she really needs that snuggle.
In other words, she needs to feel connected to you and pleased by the sexual experience.
Her sexual satisfaction can come in the experience itself via orgasm, OR it comes after intercourse in the form of connected snuggling.
If you’ve ever heard a woman say, “I don’t really care if I get off, I just care that the sex is good for you,” or, “I just want to connect with you,” this is a perfect example of what that actually means in practice. She wants to connect with you, she’s okay if that happens immediately after sex, but what is not okay, is if it doesn’t happen at all. She puts up with mediocre sex and then you roll over and go to sleep, leaving her feeling both used and disconnected.
If you’re concerned at all that this has ever happened to you even once, don’t feel bad, but go check out my Masterclass, She Comes Too, which helps you GUARANTEE a female orgasm and has an entire module subsection on aftercare.
Because honestly, guys, this really is an art, and if you nail it, she’s going to want to continue to have sex with you again and again.
Moral of the story: if you make her come, you can do whatever you want for aftercare. You can salute her and pour yourself a glass of whiskey, you can throw on your favorite track and dance around in the living room, or you can begin your snore and drool routine.
7 Essential Actions for After-Sex To Become a Better Lover and Make Her Want to Have Sex With You Again
Here is how to be a true gentlemen, an amazing lover and someone who makes his woman feel amazing after sex.
In order to truly relax and feel very comfortable in your space, it’s important for you to feel like you’re not sticky covered in bodily fluids.
Most of the time, some amount of cleanup feels really good and allows us to relax and feel like we can dissolve into a mushy puddle of love.
My favorite way to clean up is with Royal Body Wipes. They come in both an individual packet and in a container that has multiple packets, less trash. I personally keep these next to my bed at all times because they are super handy. You just rip them open, wipe down, and then you are good to let the cuddle session begin.
Also, take a moment to clean up any empty condom wrappers or any other trash. Take a moment to reset the space. I swear, for some of us, that stuff really matters and it will be appreciated.
Kiss her slow.
Research shows that men are more likely to initiate kissing before sex and women are more likely to initiate kissing after sex.
So go ahead and take the initiative, dudes. Give her a good, slow, deep kiss. I swear to God, do not let me catch you giving her a little peck on the cheek. She is not your grandmother, she’s the woman that you just banged.
Communicate your appreciation.
There are a whole bunch of ways to let her know how much you appreciate her. “That was amazing. I am completely blown away by you. You are the hottest thing I have ever seen. You’re the most sexy and glamorous and incredible woman I have ever laid eyes upon,” or the good old, “Thank you. That was wonderful.”
Gratitude leads to your partner being more likely to care about your sexual needs. Honestly, it’s a win-win. It connects you and them in that moment and it makes them more likely to want to meet your sexual needs in the future.
Talk about the sex you just had.
It’s important to discuss your wins, insights, learnings, and celebrations after sex. It helps to reinforce the good things about sex, it reminds you of all the hot things that happened that you may have otherwise forgotten, and it reduces the likelihood that you’re going to suffer from any of those shame gremlins telling you anything bad or shameful.
Doing the play by play of what was really hot, what was really appreciated, what really worked for you can help keep shame at bay and gives you feedback on what she liked so you can make sure to do more of that next time.
Remember: sex opens up a unique space flushed with oxytocin and endorphins, and it’s easier for couples to open up, have trusting deep, intimate, and vulnerable conversations immediately after sex. The time immediately after a really great romp is an epic time to get vulnerable, to get real and to communicate about stuff that maybe otherwise feels a little challenging to talk about. Remember, this is not the time to be critical. This is the time to celebrate and be thankful.
Don’t expect any particular reaction.
Remember those shame gremlins we talked about? Sometimes people have a big emotional drop immediately after sex. They can cry, they can feel very intense amounts of emotion. Just let her know that whatever comes up for her is okay and you are going to be there appreciating and loving her regardless.
Don’t fall asleep right away.
According to a recent study by evolutionary psychologists at the University of Michigan and Albright College, the tendency to fall asleep first after sex is associated with greater partner desire for bonding and affection.
In other words, if you fall asleep immediately after sex, it is more likely that your partner is going to desire bonding and feel like affection is lacking.
The antidote to this is to stay awake a little bit longer and engage in a conversation about the kind of after-sex care that she wants.
You are more likely to please her just by staying awake a few minutes, because when you fall asleep, you’re essentially pulling yourself out of the situation. So stay awake, wrap your arms around her, smell her hair, give her a little neck massage, whatever it takes to stay awake for just a few extra minutes.
Cuddle, of course!
Spending a few extra minutes breathing in each other’s scents and pheromones increases the feelings of bonding and sexual satisfaction for both partners.
What if your woman is the one who doesn’t want to snuggle or kiss or chat after sex?
Listen, there’s no such thing as normal. We’re all on a continuum here and sometimes that’s not what we’re into, perfectly okay.
But if it is something that you really need, you really need to feel that closeness, speak your needs.
Tell her that you’re okay with respecting her boundaries, but let her know what you need after sex.
Whatever makes you feel whole and complete and safe and satisfied after sex is important, so make sure to ask her the same. What does SHE after sex to feel fulfilled?
Make Her Glow. Become the Best Lover She’s Ever Had.
Couples who snuggle, kiss and pillow talk after sex are more likely to report higher sexual satisfaction, and your partner more likely to want to have sex with you again if you care for her after-sex needs.
Check out the Masterclass She Comes Too to make sure that not only does she have tons of orgasms during sex, but that you know exactly how to please her after sex too so that you can have more sex and make it more enjoyable.