You vowed it would never happen to you and yet here you are… the baby was born and intimacy with your partner has shriveled up and died.
After the first six weeks after childbirth, you figured that a lack of intercourse was normal … that you’d start having sex again eventually. After all, it’s got to at SOME point, right? But all of a sudden it’s three years later and you’re only enjoying physical intimacy once in a VERY blue moon.
It’s a commonly held belief that sex – and emotional intimacy – dies in the wake of children. It IS true that some new parents stop having sex altogether for YEARS after the baby comes along. These people often end up in sexless marriages if they don’t do anything about it and I’m going to TELL YOU exactly what you can do about it (and give you some resources on how to dust off and hone those lovemaking skills so you can WOW your spouse.)
I’m going to show you how to create a colorful, active sex life … between packing the lunches and booking the pediatrician. You’re also about to learn what mindset shifts need to happen in order for you to get your sex life back.
Table of Contents
WHY you NEED to fix this and get back to having sex ASAP
I’ll explain WHY you NEED to fix this and get back to having sex ASAP — even if you have fish sticks to cook and Elmo is singing the ABCs in the background.
Sex is good for your relationship.
One of the best things for a baby is for you to foster a stronger relationship with their other parent. (AKA, your smokin’ hot lover!)
Straight up: sex is good for your relationship, and therefore for your entire family.
Sexual Frustration Can Ruin Relationships.
For many couples in which one partner wants to go back to having sex but the other one doesn’t, their relationship can turn into an emotional desert. It can start to feel like you’re running a daycare with the person you used to date.
The sexually frustrated partner can end up finding sex elsewhere, or staying in the relationship, growing more bitter and resentful by the day.
They’re not getting their needs met. Maybe they miss feeling desired — having that physical connection with somebody.
Do your whole family a favor, and get it on.
7 Surefire Ways to Start Having More Sex Tonight.
Yes, it is possible to reclaim your sex life. So let’s go, mamas and daddys!
1. Know that pleasure does not have to be paid for by duty.
Simply — I am giving you permission to not finish your to-do list.
The kitchen does not have to be clean, the floors do not have to be shining, the laundry doesn’t have to be folded… all for you to enjoy pleasure and sex.
Let go of the idea right now that your to-do list is going to get done. It isn’t. You will die with a to-do list. Let that shit go.
It’s time to allow yourself the pleasure you haven’t been allowing yourself.
No, enjoying sex does not make you a bad parent. Our culture acts like parents can’t also be sexual beings. Be generous to yourself — put on the oxygen mask — and take care of yourself.
2. Plan for sex.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to pencil it in on the calendar, but hear me out.
Let go of the notion that sex has to be spontaneous. Sex has never been spontaneous. Even when you were a teenager, there was a little bit of planning that was involved when it came to sex. Maybe you doused yourself in cologne beforehand, or shaved.
It’s important to make space in your life for sexual connection. Maybe this means you set time aside for date night every couple weeks. Send the kids to grandmas or get a sitter every once in a while. Book a hotel. Go on a cheap weekend trip without the kids.
And set time ASIDE for this, because if you don’t it’s going to be way too easy to rationalize not having sex.
3. Master the quickie.
Remember when we were teenagers and we snuck around and had sex in cars and tried to make our orgasms as quiet as possible because Jimmy’s sister was in the next room over?
Embrace the quickie. Embrace sneaking around with your partner.
This can be really fun and add some spice to your sex life… just to sneak around and not get caught. Have sex in the car! In the home office! In the closet!
Find those gaps in the day when you can sneak something in.
I like imagining my own background music, Mission Impossible style.
4. Turn your whole life into foreplay.
In essence, foreplay is creative energy.
But this creative energy is so often spent making sure the kids have a fun time at the petting zoo, that they make a fort in the living room, that they make hand turkeys, and all these creative kid things are super beautiful and you should absolutely do these things.
But all too often, we have no creative energy left to pursue our partner. Our sex lives become dull and nonexistent.
So, make foreplay a part of how you live your life every day. Simmer her. Put a hand on your partner’s hip and kiss them on the neck, tell them how sexy they look in that haircut, hold their hand in the car, send a sexy text during the day saying that you can’t stop thinking about how much you love and want them…
It’s the little things that add up to BIG sex.
5. Recreate those pre-baby conditions.
You can’t always force desire, but you CAN create an atmosphere in which desire can thrive.
Before baby came along, what made your sex life electric? What settings and situations led to the most incredible sexual situations with your partner?
Think about how you can recreate this now.
6. Create boundaries in your household.
This is a fabulous idea from Emily Nagoski, author of the book “Come As You Are.” Even if the kids are allowed in this space — like your bedroom — you can still imagine MENTALLY that this is a sacred space — your erotic haven.
This does incredible things to your mindset and allows you a space for pleasure where you can just unwind.
7. Make sure she orgasms during sex.
It’s extra easy for women to lose interest in sex if they’re not going to reach orgasm anyways.
Look – mamas work hard enough. Don’t make her work harder than she has to for pleasure.
If you historically have a hard time bringing your woman to orgasm, you absolutely need to check out my Masterclass She Comes Too, which will give you the exact blueprint you need to turn her on, to touch her in ways that will turn her into putty in your hands, how to go down on her like a sexpert, and how to give her intense, mind blowing orgasms.
This course will also give you the steps you need to master foreplay and to bring more vitality and skill into your sex life.
Try some or all of these steps, and I PROMISE you — you will be makin’ MORE babies… in no time.