“Not tonight honey, I’m too tired.”
This is not just a joke for a sitcom. This is the lived reality of millions of men who have busy lives – work, kids, a house, responsibilities – and still want to have sex with their wives, girlfriends, or partners, who are ALSO tired!
There’s a whole lot that gets in the way of sex.
There’s a whole lot that has to “come first.”
We have to put food on the table, keep the lights on, put clothes on our kid’s backs and get them off to school, and sex gets pushed onto the back burner. Before we know it, it’s been weeks or even months since we’ve been intimate.
And then suddenly the alarm bells start to ring, “I NEED TO GET LAID!!!!”
If I’m describing your life or something like it, don’t worry! This blog article is for you.
The problem with scheduling sex
If you’ve read any sexual health articles or gone to sex therapy at all, you probably know the ever-common suggestion to “schedule sex.”
As if that’s not the LEAST SEXY THING you could POSSIBLY do.
Not to mention, if you deal with any level of performance anxiety, seeing on the calendar that on Friday from 7 – 10 “sex time” … is just a recipe for a buildup of unpleasant anticipation leading toward a less-than-pleasant evening that’s supposed to contain your entire sex life – in just three hours!
No pressure or anything.
Heaven forbid anything go wrong! Who knows the next time sex is going to be on the schedule? It could be like two weeks from now!
This is a recipe for disaster. It is way too easy for the average sex therapist or sex coach to say “oh just schedule it!”
It’s not that easy.
But here’s a secret for you: scheduling sex CAN be easy. I’m here to share with you exactly how to put the sex back in your life, and how to make time for it while keeping it sexy.
If we don’t put sex on the calendar, it might never happen. That’s a fact, y’all. So if we’re going to prioritize sex on the same level that we prioritize other things, like eating, it needs to be put on the calendar. Sex can’t just be left to chance.
The problem is, many of us have the idea that sex should just “happen naturally”.
First of all, it’s okay for sex to take work! Sex shouldn’t be the one and only area of our lives that never takes any effort. You have to learn how to cook, you have to learn how to do laundry, you have to learn how to hold a fork. You have to learn how to make a great sex life. There is no shame in that.
Does Scheduling Sex Take Away Spontaneity?
That said, putting sex on the calendar removes what a lot of us think of as “spontaneity.”
Here’s the truth: the idea of spontaneity is made up. When
you were first dating your wife, you wouldn’t SPONTANIOUSLY have sex with her –
you had a date on Friday night, for which you showered, shaved, put on cologne,
packed condoms in your pocket, and THEN you “spontaneously” had sex?
Sex has never been spontaneous. Let’s go ahead and get the idea that “spontaneity” matters. It doesn’t.
Furthermore, by scheduling sex, it doesn’t mean we’re letting go of spontaneity. Rather, we are allowing a space for spontaneity to occur.
The real challenge for ME, when I think about scheduling sex in my own life, is that … at my own core, I’m a bit of a rebel. I don’t like being told what to do, and I don’t like living my life within the four walls of my calendar, my rules, and even my obligations and commitments. Even when I tell myself to do something, I STILL don’t like being told what to do.
If you’re a rebel like me, or if you deal with any sort of anxiety around scheduling, then scheduling sex is not going to let you express yourself as you want to.
But even so, you’re a human man who still wants to have sex despite all the other things competing for your attention.
What are any of us to DO?!
I have a system and a solution that will help you make time for sex.
This is not about scheduling sex. This is about making time for intimacy so you can have the physical and emotional connection that you both crave.
5 Steps to Successfully Scheduling Sexy Time
Start with a list of why you want to prioritize sexy time.
This is critical. When sex competes with so many other things, you have to go back to your list to remember why you want to prioritize sex at all.
Ideally, you and your partner will both do this.
Why is sex a priority for the two of you? Maybe your reasons are that it brings you closer, it relieves tension and stress, it feels good!
Brainstorm a bunch of things that help you accomplish those goals.
According to your list, you want to be brought closer, to relieve stress, and to experience pleasure together. Guess what — It doesn’t have to be sex! You could do a sexy massage, eye-gazing, sexy yoga, working out together, hot tubbing, taking a shower together, exchanging sexy text messages… the pleasurable possibilities are endless!
The purpose of this list is to gather a bunch of ideas about what you can do during sexy time other than just getting together to “bump uglies.”
I want you to make this list expansive and creative. When you get together during your scheduled sexy time, you don’t just have ONE option of what you can do. This removes a lot of anxiety around the pressure to perform.
Write down a bunch of times on the calendar!
When there is just one single time on the calendar, it doesn’t leave any time for all the realities of life. It doesn’t leave you the opportunity to have a tummy ache, or to have a kid with a tummy ache, or to randomly get a period a couple days early, or to have a bad day at work, or WHATEVER!
If that is the only time on the calendar, you might be fucked if anything goes wrong.
The purpose of this is not to put MORE pressure on sex, but LESS pressure. That’s why I want you to put a bunch of different times on the calendar. They can be for twenty minutes, for one hour, for three hours. You can put one on the weekend, one on a weekday evening, and one on a weekday morning. It can be short segments, and it can be long segments.
It’s not always going to work perfectly, so I suggest you write down at least two times per week with a GOAL of meeting one of those times per week.
When the time comes, prioritize intimacy and pleasure over sex.
Sex is great. But if we’re focused strictly on penetrative sex, there are a number of things that can go wrong that can leave us feeling frustrated. If you experience performance anxiety, it’s not a great goal to ONLY have penetrative sex on the menu.
Set yourself up for success.
If the goal is intimacy and pleasure, you can just do nipple play for thirty minutes! Or you can do butt play for thirty minutes, which can create intimacy and pleasure too!
If your goal is simply penetration and orgasm, there are a lot of things that can get in the way and actually make sex less fun.
If the goal is simply intimacy and pleasure and you start with a sexy massage, and THEN it turns into penetration and orgasms… than HOORAY! FANTASTIC!! And if you don’t go all the way, it’s still a win.
Turn it into a game with rewards.
We’re going to celebrate our wins here, folks! Let’s say you have eight sexy times scheduled on the calendar for the month of March and your goal is to hit at least four of them. If you achieve intimacy and pleasure in all four of those, you both get a couple’s massage!
Set a goal with a reward and then reward yourselves.
If you don’t celebrate your successes, your brain will be trained to focus on failures. And that, my friends, is the last thing we want to bring into our sex lives.
You Don’t Need to Set Aside Hours at a Time.
You can have sexy time in as little as ten minutes. Whether that’s sending sexy text messages or pictures of naughty things you guys did last week, just think of it as little spurts of time.
Someone once told me that every single week they send their kid to take out the trash, and they use that time to do kinky stuff with their spouse for 3-4 minutes. They had a long driveway in Texas. As soon as the kid stepped out of the house, he would tell his wife to get down on her knees, to start sucking him, they would spank, and do nasty stuff for only five seconds at a time.
“For the next three minutes I’m gonna spank you and you can call me daddy, cowgirl.” OW!
A note for those of you who experience performance anxiety…
Let’s talk about skills advancement for a second. Think of every sexy opportunity as a chance to hone a specific skill, whether that’s breathing or releasing tension in the body, or something you’re personally working on.
If you’ve been following either of my Masterclasses, you can pick a skill from one of the modules and just focus on that for each sexy time. This way, you’ll have ample opportunities to keep getting better.
And if you haven’t checked out my masterclass Come When You Want, I encourage you to do so by clicking this link. This course is designed to help men last longer in bed for total ejaculatory control so you can pleasure her all night long – without any numbing creams or pills. Check it out!