Sex is a lot of things. But one thing it should not be is painful. (you know, unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
If your woman experiences pain during sex, it can take ALL the fun out of lovemaking. It’s understandable: you don’t want to hurt her. You don’t want sex to be associated with pain and tension… so you stop having sex altogether.
And suddenly you find yourself in a sexless relationship.
As a sex coach, I’ve seen it first hand: when a woman starts having pain during sex, the couple just kind of … stops trying.
And I get it. Men don’t want to experience the guilt of potentially hurting their partner during sex. Sexual pain brings bad juju into the bedroom that we don’t want!
Instead, it might be time to consider how a couple can work together to help the woman overcome pain so you both can get back to having amazing sex, and an intimate relationship … no pain included.
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Lesser-Known Reasons She Might be Experiencing Pain During Sex
If you go online, you’ll read about a handful of common health conditions she should rule out with her doctor.
She might have a health condition that needs a professional diagnosis, like Endometriosis, pelvic Inflammatory disease, an STI… it could be a LOT of things.
It’s important to rule these out because if she DOES have a medical condition causing her pain during sex, getting treatment can make a HUGE (and positive) impact on her sex life.
But still, I’ve had so many women come to me — even after going to multiple doctors, ruling out all these medical conditions, and even going to pelvic physical therapy — and they STILL say that they’re having pain during sex, and NOTHING they’ve tried has solved this problem.
This is probably because there are lesser-known reasons why women experience pain during sex.
The Importance of Nipping Pain in the Bud
I believe sex isn’t just vaginal penetration.
I truly believe that foreplay begins immediately after your last sexual encounter.
I believe your sex life extends beyond the bedroom — that you should start foreplay in the kitchen — that you should play a spirited game of ass-grab in the parking lot on your way to the grocery shopping… I believe that sex and intimacy are not just “penis in vagina sex in missionary position.”
Even so.. If you can have an intimate sexual relationship without penetrative sex, why should we talk about solving the pain problem?
Penetrative sex feels good.
As lovely as things like mutual masturbation and oral sex are, there’s nothing quite like the magic of penetrative sex. I don’t feel like I have to convince you on this. Sometimes, balls-deep is happiness, man. For both partners.
Sexual pain can lead to sexless relationships
If you and your partner don’t address the pain now, you might wake up one day to find yourself in a sexless marriage or relationship.
While some couples are perfectly happy in a sexless relationship, sex is one of the major things that separates a romantic relationship, from all your other relationships.
In fact, a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 2017 found that more frequent sex causes and leads to more frequent instances of affection in a relationship, which in turn leads to more sex.
Dealing with unwanted sexlessness that’s not related to pain? Read “How to Survive a Sexless Marriage (without cheating).”
5 lesser-known reasons she has pain during sex
If your female partner is experiencing pain during sex, you are certainly not alone. According to Cedars Sinai, up to 75 percent of women experience pain during sex at SOME POINT.
But only 20 percent of women have a diagnosed medical condition that can explain why.
This means there are certain things you can do TONIGHT to potentially help alleviate this pain she’s feeling.
So let’s dive into the most COMMON, yet LEAST KNOWN reasons women experience pain during sex.
1. Your dick is really big.
Men seem to think that bigger is always better when it comes to dick size, but dudes! This is not true.
Sometimes large penises can slam against the back of her cervix, causing her deep pain during sex.
As someone who has had sex with men who are well endowed, as well as with men with smaller penises, I will say, you do not need to go balls-deep in order to give a woman pleasure.
Does this mean you need to shrink your shlong? No way, man! We’ll talk about solutions to this in just a minute.
2. Air bubbles are trapped inside her.
This is a real thing that happens! The motion of the penis can trap air inside of the vaginal canal during sex, causing her to feel like there’s an air bubble lodged up her vagina.
This can be really painful. So try going slower next time.
3. She’s on birth control.
Certain birth control methods, like the copper IUD, can potentially cause pain during sex. This actually happened to me.
Some studies suggest that women who are on the copper IUD can experience more pain during sex compared to women who are not on contraception. This is possibly because the copper IUD can decrease arousal and natural lubrication, leading to more painful sex.
On top of that, birth control pills can sometimes affect sexual response and arousal, leading to vaginas dryer than sandpaper… and sex that feels pretty … rough.
And according to one study, women who take birth control pills with lower amounts of estrogen may be at risk for pain during orgasm.
4. She’s suffering from performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety in men can lead to premature ejaculation. And as it turns out, performance anxiety in women can lead to painful sexual intercourse.
Tension and anxiety can also cause things like Vaginismus — which basically means she’s experiencing spasms in her vaginal muscles.
Now, even without vaginismus, if she’s tense and has a lot of anxiety she carries into the bedroom with her, she won’t be able to relax. And if you can’t relax during sex, it’s going to be a painful ride.
40 million adults experience anxiety on a regular basis, and this can lead to painful sex.
Great. Another thing to be anxious about.
5. She’s experiencing vaginal dryness.
Vaginal dryness is a common culprit for pain during sex. So if your lady is going through menopause, if she’s experiencing depression, if she’s stressed out with a stressful job and home life… EVEN if your woman is a rigorous athlete…. Then vaginal dryness might be causing some of her sexual pain.
So with all that in mind, let’s dive into the six potential solutions for how you can help your woman overcome pain during sex.
Solutions for Overcoming Pain During Sex
The good news? There are things you can try tonight to help alleviate this pain.
1. Use lube.
Lube, glorious lube! Saving sex lives across the planet.
Lube reduces friction during sex. This makes sex WAY more enjoyable for women, because it turns their vaginas into a human slip n’ slide. (Also great for men, too, let’s be honest.)
Lube also helps her vagina open up and relax, so you can fit your schlong comfortably inside her. This is especially important if you have an extra large penis or if she experiences vaginal dryness.
2. Make your penis feel smaller for her.
Before you panic, I want to let you know about a cool product out there that’s MEANT for taking the pain out of sex.
It’s called the OhNut. They didn’t sponsor this blog post, FYI.
This is for well-endowed guys who don’t want their gigantic penis to hurt their woman.
Easily slip the OhNut onto your penis, just as you would a condom. This makes your penis feel more manageable for her while making sex feel THE DAMN SAME for you, which is awesome, because neither partner has to make a concession.
Word on the street: the OhNut is even great for women with endometriosis.
3. Give her control.
The more control she has over how deep you go, how fast you go, sex positions, and other factors, the less anxious she’ll feel about potential pain.
So give her the reigns, let her know that she is in control.
This can help her overcome any performance anxiety and tension she might be experiencing. This allows her to relax, to enjoy herself, and hey — you get to watch her boobies bouncing as she rides cowgirl.
4. Take your time.
Women have been begging men for longer foreplay since we lived in caves. In fact, I am convinced that some of the very first cavemen drawings were of women writing messages to men saying “Please! Longer foreplay! Kiss my neck sometimes, maybe, Bob!”
The longer you take in foreplay, the wetter she’ll be and the more open she’ll be able to get.
The more foreplay, the more enjoyable and pleasurable sex will be for her.
5. Have sex when you’re both relaxed.
Maybe foreplay should start with a warm bath. Or a sensual massage.
Or try other stress relieving activities before sex to allow her to relax. Maybe try some yoga together. Drink some tea. Go on a long evening stroll.
There are different ways you can lower stress, lower anxiety, so when you both head into the bedroom … it’s nothing but soupy, intoxicating, heady love.
BONUS TIP: Recognize sex doesn’t always have to involve vaginal penetration.
I touched on this a little bit before, but If your woman still has to go at her own pace and find the way back to sexuality again, I encourage starting small.
Start with mutual masturbation, sensual massage, deep kissing, oral sex… when’s the last time you went down on her and only focused on pleasuring her softly with your mouth?
This can help you enjoy a sex life without flirting with pain. It’s also a great way to inspire her to take the next step, whether that’s seeking a second doctor’s opinion, or trying some relaxation techniques, or finding her boundary of pain through masturbation.
Especially if she’s starting to experience LESS pain every time she has sex, this is a great way to slowly introduce sex into her life… without having to bite a bullet.
Sex still a pain? Take Control Over Your Sex Life with Coaching
You do not have to live with pain. Through sex coaching, you and your partner can identify the source of the pain, and work on solutions to have a more active, comfortable, and feel-good sex life. Click here to apply for coaching today.