Guess what, gentlemen! You are not the only ones who suffer from performance anxiety. When it comes to anxiety and sexual activity, few people escape. All of us – male, female, and people who identify as neither and both – can fall victim to performance anxiety during intimacy and intercourse.
For men, performance anxiety often manifests as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. When men experience anxiety around sex, they may ejaculate too early. In fact, premature ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction, affecting one in three men.
That’s why men tend to think that performance anxiety is a strictly man’s situation – like you’re the only people that deal with it. And to be honest, it PROBABLY impacts men more than women. But women DO experience performance anxiety. The ensuring behavior just looks different.
Read on to learn WHY heterosexual women bring anxiety into the bedroom, what performance anxiety looks like in women, and what we can do about it to enjoy sexual intercourse.
Sexual Pleasure: A Man’s Job?
Our culture has told men that they are “responsible for women’s pleasure” – that it’s a MAN’S job to give her arousal and orgasms! It’ a MAN’s job to lure her! It’s a MAN’S job to rock her world and make her moan all night long!
The Other Side of Sexual Anxiety
So what’s happening on the other side of the performance anxiety coin? How does this impact women in their sexual relationships?
For women, it’s more performance than anxiety. Women are pressured to feel pleasure and act a certain way in her sexual behavior.
Imagine: your partner is trying his hardest to get you off, and you’re in your head and you can’t even experience pleasurable sensations and maybe you’ve never even had an orgasm and maybe you don’t masturbate, so there’s a lot of pressure for you to ACT like you’re having the time of your life. (After all, women sometimes feel like there’s something wrong with them if they’re not on cloud 9.)
And this is where the dreaded faked orgasm comes in.
The faked orgasm is a result of female performance anxiety: women feeling pressure to spare their partner’s feelings, usually so their partners don’t get hurt – so their egos don’t get damaged.
It makes sense – after all, you’re naked, you’re vulnerable… women would rather forego a real orgasm to spare embarrassment. So what do they do instead? They perform. They fake pleasure. They fake orgasms. I think we’ve all done it during vaginal intercourse, ladies. I know I have. Because we knew in our minds and in our bodies that we weren’t going to get to the finish line. Sometimes you just don’t! It may have nothing to do with the man.
Maybe we have a big test in the morning. Maybe we’re worried about a sick family member. It could be that there are still dirty dishes in the sink. It could be a million different reasons – even just trying to hold in a fart! (It’s funny ‘cause it’s true!)
That’s how female performance anxiety impacts us.
Men are pressured to “be good in bed”, and women are pressured to put on this big orgasmic performance and feel ALL THE PLEASURE! Both of us – men and women alike – end up suffering.
So what can be done? Below are a few solutions.
Manage Your Anxiety.
First of all, there’s a lot that can be done about anxiety — and anxiety disorders — in general. I encourage you to research anxiety management. seek professional help. Look up mindfulness techniques. Look up breathing techniques in particular.
Anxiety management and mindfulness can help you get out of your head and back into your body. Pleasure lives in the body. Sex lives in the body.
Our brains alone can only get us so far when it comes to pleasure and orgasm. What goes in on our minds is only part of it. If we don’t strike a balance between mind, body, and soul, we end up putting undue pressure on ourselves and causing a sexual problem.
Communicate With Your Sexual Partner.
Feeling a little anxious and “in-your-head” about sex and foreplay? Speak up! Let your partner know that you’re feeling anxious! Maybe it’s best to just lay down and hold each other for a little bit. Maybe you want to stare into each other’s eyes and take some deep breaths. Don’t rush the sexual desire and penetration. Sometimes being direct about what you need is the best solution. Maybe you need to say “Hey, this is how it works for me, I need you to go down on me” or “I need you to stimulate me with your fingers” or “I need this angle” or “I need some time!” or “I need a warm up” or “I need a vibrator.”
Be honest about how to achieve sexual satisfaction. Communicate:
- What you need
- What you are able to give
- What you’re looking for
- What feels good
- What gets you off
Communicate WITHOUT assumptions or judgments. Don’t feed thoughts like “I’m not good enough! He/she doesn’t really love me! This relationship is doomed!” None of that stuff belongs in the bedroom. Clean, clear, judgement-free communication is the key to overcoming performance anxiety.
Masturbate So You Can Know Yourself.
Masturbation helps men with premature ejaculation, and it can help women who suffer from performance anxiety. Dear women, PLEASE! Masturbate! Learn how to bring yourself to orgasm.
Your body is not that complicated. You have ALL the parts necessary to orgasm. Stop believing this B.S. that you are somehow incapable of reaching orgasm. You ARE, and you freaking deserve it!
Get a dildo, get a vibrator, and do some research. Buy the books all about sexual function and psychological factors of orgasm. Read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski – it’s an amazing book. It will teach you everything you need to know about female orgasm.
Ladies, there is no body function that compares to the female orgasm, okay? It’s worth it. Have one, have two, become multi-orgasmic. Get blended orgasms. Have clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, cervical orgasms, A spot, B spot… they are AMAZING! You CAN have them, and you deserve them!
And guess what? If you figure out what gives you orgasms, then you can show your partner how to achieve them. But you need to take charge of your pleasure first.
Performance Anxiety is Common and CAN be Overcome.
So men, women… let’s just all take a deep breath. Sex can be hard. But like most things that are challenging, the payoffs are INCREDIBLE. Don’t beat yourself up. Performance anxiety is super common. Use these tools and tactics and you too can have way better sex. And men – if you suffer from premature ejaculation related to performance anxiety, PLEASE apply to work with me, sign-up for one-on-one coaching, get on my mailing list, and do whatever you need to do because you do not have to suffer. For years, I’ve been working with men just like you. It’s my specialty, and I know that it CAN go away, sometimes in a matter of weeks. I’ve seen it happen! Share this blog post with someone who needs to see it and subscribe to my YouTube channel for more tips and tricks for a better sex life!
The Come When You Want Method: Boost Confidence and Sexual Performance
I’ve helped thousands of men overcome premature ejaculation, performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction for a better sex life through the Come When You Want Method.
This method has been so successful that I turned it into a course. Come When You Want is my step-by-step guide to boosting sexual function, experiencing ejaculatory control, and developing unshakable confidence, whether you’re in a committed relationship or just dating.
It delivers many of the same tools I use in one on one coaching but in a video format you can access from your phone or computer. Check it out!