This is hard for me to write about.
Because believe or not, I used to be in a sexless marriage. It was hard. Coping with a sexless marriage can feel really awful at first — and it can happen to anyone.
If you find yourself stuck in a sexless marriage with a lack of intimacy, I promise you — there are solutions.
You can survive this sexless marriage — and revitalize it to the point of having regular sex again — without resorting to infidelity.
And look, I don’t care who you are, a sexless marriage can happen to anyone. I don’t care how old you are, how long you’ve been with your partner, how many kids you have running around, or how recently your wife went through menopause…
There ARE answers for you.
Here’s the truth: the cause of a sexless marriage is serious, and can sometimes mean there’s something going on “behind the scenes” that’s causing a breakdown in your sex life — and in your relationship.
By the end of this article, you’ll know whether you’re actually in a sexless relationship or not and you’ll learn how to address it with your spouse/partner so you can have a mind-blowing, satisfying, and loving sexual relationship again.
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You’re Not Alone: 1 in 5 Couples Are in a Sexless Marriage.
When you’re the ones not having sex, it can feel like every old married couple is screwing but you.
Not a great feeling to have. You might start wondering about the divorce rate of sexless marriages, getting your needs met through pornography, and entertaining fantasies…
But consider this: statistics show that as high as 1 in 5 couples aren’t having sex. You are not alone.
What is the Definition of a Sexless Marriage?
Some experts say that a couple is “sexless” if they haven’t had sex more than ten times in the past year.
But listen, there is no one size fits all when it comes to sex.
There is no right answer as to how many times a couple should be having sex every single week, month, or year. But, for the message I am trying to convey, we will define it as:
A sexless marriage is one in which one or both partners in a couple is not getting as much or the kind of sex that they want, on the basis that they want it, and they are not able to reach an easy compromise or have an easy solution to the challenge.
A Sexless Marriage’s Effect on the Husband: Low Self Esteem
When we find ourselves in a challenge like this, it is very painful to endure.
It feels like rejection.
Sharing a sexual experience with someone is the most intimate thing, so for our partner to reject us, and have a lack of interest in intercourse, or any type of intimacy, can be incredibly devastating to our self-esteem.
When our relationships lack sexual intimacy, it causes a lack of emotional intimacy. It can lead to a loss of affection. And vice versa. So, as you can imagine, how a once-romantic married couple can start to feel like roommates.
You need to try and understand that it is no one’s fault. And at times, it sneaks upon us! Crazy things happen in our lives. For example, a child was born and you lost that sense of closeness, or there was a huge fight, a job loss, or a massive source of stress.
Maybe a hormonal change, or physical injury or an emotional injury. A PANDEMIC! You might have a vastly different libido than your spouse, you might be dealing with a medical condition, and heck, you might be dealing with some erectile dysfunction. There are many reasons to have a low sex drive.
Too many people believe that the second you become romantic with someone, sex will come easy and often.
It’s great when it happens, but it’s not true for everyone. For most of us, an amazing, active sex life takes work. You have to put in the effort.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage in 7 Steps
It’s not just married people who deal with sexlessness in relationships… a lack of sexual intimacy can happen to anyone. Here are 7 ways to work out these sexual issues with your spouse so you can drastically increase your frequency of sex.
1. Process your own emotions.
Do you feel heavy, deep, sad? Great. Write that down, but don’t throw it onto your partner. When we work through our difficult emotions in a healthy way, we’re less likely to blow steam at our partner and hold onto feelings of resentment.
If you are having trouble understanding, interpreting or even just acknowledging your feelings on this topic, know that I can help you with that.
As I said, I have been through this myself, and want to guide you on the path to more sexual experiences, satisfaction, and intimacy alongside your partner. Book a one-on-one session with me today.
2. Communicate with your partner.
This won’t be a one and done type of thing… you’ll have segments of this conversation over and over again, and that’s a good thing. It’s how you work it out.
But how do you start coping with a sexless marriage by hashing it out? Here are some ideas on what to say to get the conversation rolling:
- There’s something important I want to discuss with you, is now a good time?
- I have been afraid to bring this up, and this is a really hard subject to discuss, which is why I haven’t spoken about it..
- I’m feeling that I don’t have the sexual satisfaction that I crave within our relationship and I want to do something about it.
- Are you willing to do something about it with me?
- Do you share my concerns?
Get them to agree that they are willing to work on this for you.
3. Look for underlying causes
There are plenty of reasons to find yourself in a sexless marriage: Menopause, having a baby, health problems, or a recent life change.
Figure out what factors are at play here, and work together to address them.
4. Get Professional Help
When I say “go see a professional sex therapist or sex coach,” I’m not saying “your relationship is so messed up you have to go see a shrink…
I’m saying, you relationship is worth fighting for. Sometimes you just need a safe space to talk it out and a little touch of guidance.
5. Set up a plan to address the problem
What does sex mean to both of you? Have you ever thought that maybe your definitions of sex are different? Take the time to dissect what those are together.
What I mean by this is … address what some of the other factors are to the problem. Dig deep. Hire a babysitter, go on more dates, visit the doctor to get a check-up, etc. Whatever it takes.
6. Think creatively about what’s possible
Yes, you can survive a sexless marriage without cheating. You can spice up your sexless marriage and bring it back to life.
But you have to be okay with the solutions.
But when I say get creative, I am endorsing all forms of creativity! Polyamory, for example, could be a solution to your sexless marriage. Some partners may be emotionally monogamous but get their sexual needs met elsewhere. And that’s totally cool, if both partners are on board.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a HUGE (and unfair) stigma around polyamory, but don’t let that skew your personal interpretation of what it could do for you and your sexual differences.
Partners can have a lot of different arrangements, and there are resources available from people who have figured it out. Get creative and seek advice through other relationships and then model your own relationship off of those.
7. Know when to walk away – and then hold to it.
I’m not big on ultimatums, but I’m huge on boundaries.
If your partner isn’t interested in providing for your needs, you have to consider if this is the right relationship for you in the long run.
Start early. Address the issue now, and tell them that this is not something you’re willing to deal with in the long run, and that you’re willing to work with her to bring a sex life back.
Know How to Love Her
Many times, a sexless marriage is caused by sexual incompatibility between partners.
I promise you though — if you learn how to become the best lover you can possibly be by giving her mind-blowing orgasms, amazing oral sex, and even learning how to make her squirt, she’ll want to jump your bones.
Check out my Masterclass, “She Comes Too“, so you can bring her to her knees, become the best lover she’s ever had, and gain confidence in bed. After all, you can re-ignite the fires of your sexual relationship in no time.