Do you feel like you’re the only one in your relationship initiating sex?
Or at least you’re the person initiating a vast majority of the time?
You’re the one reaching under the covers once the lights go off… rubbing your hand along your partner’s body, hoping to hear a little moan or to have her shift closer to you… looking for a green light?
As a sex coach, I hear men all the time ask, “Why does my wife or girlfriend not want to have sex with me?”
Because here’s the thing: if only one person initiates sex, it can create tension in a relationship.
Having an imbalance in this department is really common. Particularly, a lot of men find that their female partners don’t initiate sex as often as they’d like them to.
Well today, I have some solutions. Because it IS POSSIBLE to have the colourful, mutually enthralled, lucy-in-the-sky-with-diamonds sex life that you want. And frankly, you deserve it.
In this article, I’m gonna share with you the four major reasons she isn’t initiating sex… and tell you exactly what you can do to fix them.
Table of Contents
First, Ditch the Blame.
It’s important not to view this situation as being any one person’s fault. Starting out with blame and shame is a sure way to increase tension in a relationship… and blame and resentment have no place in a healthy sex life.
If she’s not initiating sex, it’s simply a sign that some things need to be addressed in the relationship in order for her to feel like she wants to initiate.
And how do you make her feel like she wants to?
First of all, in my course She Comes Too, I offer an intensive, science-based, deep dive into everything there is to know about women’s needs and desires in the bedroom. Because if you’re not excellent in bed, there’s less incentive for her to initiate.
Why She’s Not Initiating Sex
But when it comes to why she’s not initiating sex? There are a few things you should know.
The first step is identifying the root of the issue. Her not initiating sex is a symptom of something deeper.
#1. She Experiences Responsive Arousal.
Women and men are wired a little differently when it comes to arousal. On top of that, each woman is wired in her own special way. Every single one of us is a sexual special snowflake. No two alike.
But yes, there are some biological factors at play.
This means that it’s a lot easier for men to get revved up out of the blue… and fast.
Think of yourselves as a gas range stove top. Just a flicker of ignition and BAM, you’re on. This ignition could be the way your girlfriend’s jeans fit her, or a cheeky thing she says. It could be a particularly ripe and juicy tomato you see at the grocery store… I’m not judging!
The point is that it happens spontaneously. One second you’re minding your own business… and the next you suddenly remember the Meghan Fox poster you had above your bed in high school. That could be all it takes to pitch a tent in your pants. And that’s great!
Women, on the other hand… we’re more like ovens.
We get scorching hot, but it takes us a little while to heat up.
Now I wanna be clear. I’m not saying women don’t get spontaneously horny. We absolutely do. And I’m gonna tell you in a minute how to encourage that happening.
But many women typically don’t go from zero to one… or one to ten… without a little assistance.
Everybody, and every body’s body is different. How strictly responsive our sexual arousal is lives on a spectrum.
If you find that your partner never or very rarely initiates sex? But she gets into it once you initiate? Then she might be farther along on the responsive end.
What to do if Your Partner has Responsive Sexual Desire
If your partner is heavily responsive, the best way to turn her on is giving her something to respond to… But this doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be the one who initiates sex.
Instead, you can encourage her to initiate by creating an environment or situation that arouses her.
When was the last time you told her she was beautiful? Really looked at her and told her you find her stunning?
Feeling appreciated and wanted… feeling lusted after? It’s a major turn on.
Is she overworked? Plan an evening of rest and relaxation for her.
Is the spark not shining as brightly in your relationship lately? Surprise her with a gift. Get her some flowers. Anything to let her know you’re thinking of her.
Doing nice things for her, and saying nice things to her does two things:
- You’re taking the load off. If she’s stressed about getting all the chores done after work and you swoop in and help out? This creates space in her mind for other things… like jumping your bones.
- You make yourself more attractive to her.
Everyone wants a partner who cares for them and is there for them. Displaying these qualities is giving her something to RESPOND to. And it’s a huge turn on.
People with Responsive Desire Want to Have Amazing Sex.
Remember: it’s not people with responsive desire don’t want to have sex, it’s usually that they never even think about it. Almost like they forget it exists… I know you’re shaking your head right now in disbelief, but it’s true. So if your partner seems to have forgotten all about sex until you put it on the table, remember you can also go a more direct route and REMIND her that sex exists, that it’s something she enjoys, and that it might be a fun thing for you to do together… right about… now.
#2: She’s been rejected a lot in the past.
It’s possible your partner wants to initiate sex, but is afraid.
If she’s been in a previous relationship where she experienced a lot of rejection, or was shamed in any way about her sexuality or desires… then she may have become uncomfortable initiating sex.
The truth is, initiating sex is a vulnerable act! You’re putting yourself out there and asking for something very intimate.
If your partner has been turned down in the past, and made to feel undesirable or unlovable… these wounds run deep.
What to do if your partner has experienced a lot of past rejection
Firstly, make sure she feels wanted, desired and appreciated by you. This goes a long way in creating a safe space for her to express her desires.
Secondly, tell her how you’re feeling. That’s right… TALK ABOUT IT!
Open, honest, and compassionate communication is often the answer when it comes to problems in a relationship.
The thing is, it’s not always easy to do.
If the root of her lack of sexual initiation is a fear of rejection, then that means she’s having a hard time being vulnerable with you.
By starting an open, loving and honest conversation about how you feel, you’re leading with vulnerability. You’re paving the way and showing her that you are a safe person and that it’s okay to be vulnerable with each other.
You can also practice saying yes and no. Have her ask you for something she knows you’ll say yes to, like a five minute foot massage, and then something she knows you’ll say no to, like getting poked in the eye. Playing with yes and no in a safe environment will show her that hearing no is safe and doesn’t mean she’s not wanted.
#3. Your sex life needs an upgrade.
Sometimes you have to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself:
Are you sure you’re laying excellent, grade A, top-shelf pipe?
Here’s the thing, my dudes. Great sex inspires… you guessed it. More sex.
If she isn’t feeling satisfied in the bedroom, why would she initiate?
So you know her body like the back of your hand? You know how to get her to the finish line with your tried and true techniques and tricks… Well, here’s the thing. Sexuality is fluid like the ocean, baby. And things change!
If you’re been eating her out the same way for ten weeks, ten months… ten years! There’s a serious chance that it just doesn’t do it for her the way it used to.
When it comes to keeping sex lives active and fresh, it’s so important to change things up and introduce some surprises into the mix.
If she’s not initiating sex, it might be because things are getting a little stale… dare I say boring… between the sheets.
If your sex life is starting to feel like watching jeopardy reruns, then bring some new tricks into your repertoire.
Little Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life
There are so many ways to do this. If you’re only ever initiating sex in the bedroom after the lights are out? Try coming up behind her in the kitchen. See if she wants to play around with dominance and submission. Initiate a conversation about her deepest sexual fantasies and see where it takes you.
Try amping up the pleasure by bringing a sex toy into the bedroom! So many women are self conscious about their ability to orgasm, and one of the reasons they don’t initiate sex is that they have a hard time getting off to begin with.
A sex toy can be insanely helpful when it comes to making sure that she gets hers.
And if you’re looking for the ultimate guide to making a woman squirm in ecstasy? Including how to incorporate this and many other kinds of toys in the bedroom, My online course, She Comes Too is PACKED with information on how to level up when it comes to pleasing a woman. You’ll get all the support you need to unlock the labyrinth of the female mind… and vagina. I promise, you won’t regret it.
#4. There are deeper issues in your relationship.
A mutually satisfying sex life is a barometer for the general wellbeing of your relationship.
So if your partner isn’t interested in initiating sex, it’s worth checking in on how you two are doing on a deeper level.
Is there underlying resentment in your relationship? Do you both feel loved and appreciated? Are you taking time to prioritize the maintenance of your intimacy and connection?
There are so many possible underlying issues that may be causing her to pull back sexually. If you’re just focusing on the initiation of sex, you might be missing the actual problem. If there’s a deeper issue there, it’s important to address it.
If you think this might be the case, it’s important that you bring it up in a loving, sympathetic and open way.
No matter how tangled the web of problems is in your relationship, you can unravel it and get to a place where you both are happy and satisfied. Once you’re there, chances are you’ll see a big improvement in your sex life.
It’s also possible she’s struggling with her relationship with herself.
If she’s not taking the time to prioritize her wellbeing, this can trickle down into her sex drive.
Maybe she’s overworking herself, or she’s overwhelmed by an emotional situation in her life. Maybe she isn’t taking the time to practice erotic self care and connect to herself as a sexual being.
It’s possible she’s out of touch with her natural need for pleasure and intimacy.
If this is the case, there are lots of ways you can encourage her to reconnect with herself. Once she’s able to do that, she’ll clear space and opportunity to reconnect with you.
Everyone’s needs are different. But it’s a universal truth that if you aren’t taking care of yourself, you’re gonna struggle to take care of and connect with others in a healthy way.
The important thing to remember is that almost every issue in your relationship can be solved if you take a loving and honest look at what’s happening beneath the surface.
You can have an amazing, connected, and exciting sex life with your partner. And chances are, she’d LOVE to get to a place where she’s dying to jump your bones… she just might need a little help.
As long as you tackle the issues in your relationship in a caring, honest and non-judgmental way, you can only come out the other side stronger… and having better sex.