You don’t need to be a sex therapist with a fancy a degree to become a great lover.
In this blog article, I’ll share the seven things that made me a sex expert, and none of them have to do with certifications or workshops. That’s right – you can become certified master of sexual satisfaction without studying for years or memorizing clitoris anatomy diagrams.
There are certain things that I have done that MADE me an expert at sex, and I’m going to share a lot of those with you today.
But what was the life of Caitlin V – relationship expert and sexuality educator — prior to being a sex coach?
Well listen. I started with nothing. It’s not like I came from a household in which sexual health was openly discussed. It’s not like I had some early-on experiences that either scarred or inspired me. I had a pretty normal childhood.
I grew up in the Midwest with fairly conservative(ish), but also slightly open-minded parents that encouraged me to pursue my dreams. In high school, I started exploring my own sexual freedom and arousal like everybody else.
But today, I am a “sexpert.”
The truth? Even though I have a degree, even though I have been a sex coach for years now, and a sex educator and did some counseling before that – even though I’ve published papers and given lectures, these are all ON TOP OF the steps I took to become a master in my own right.
You want to have better sex. You want an amazing sexual relationship.
You want panties to drop, to bring people to their KNEES with pleasurable sensation.
People care so much more about the sexual experience a romantic partner brings, rather than how much money they make, what kind of car they drive… you know this to be true!
And good sex isn’t rocket science! If you follow my advice that I’m about to give you, achieving orgasm, talking about your deepest fantasy, and navigating foreplay will be easy for you too! Because guess what? Bodies were built for human sexuality. It’s just that often, your mind gets in the way of true intimacy.
Time for Some Dirty Talk: Caitlin V’s Advice on How to become a Sexpert.
Don’t judge yourself.
If you’re judging yourself about wanting to learn new things about healthy sexuality, you need to cut it out.
If you think that sex is wrong, or dirty, or shameful, or if you feel bad for having intercourse or being interested great sex, how far are you going to get?
You’re not going to get very far in this world unless you decide to come into it without judgment — with empathy for yourself. This goes for everything, especially love relationships and sexual health.
Don’t judge others.
There are things people do with their sex lives that you’re not going to like and that you’re going to want to judge. You’re going to think “Ew, you’re into that? That’s what you. call a good time? I don’t know how to feel about that weird sex position!”
Just because it doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it’s wrong, weird, or bad.
The more non-judgment that you bring to other people in their intimate lives, the more empowerment you can bring to yourself, and the better you’re going to get at sex. (And honestly, the less judgy you are, the better you’re going to get at everything. Let’s be real.)
Separate what you feel about sex with what others feel about sex.
Most of us grew up in households where intercourse wasn’t talked about, OR where sexual activity and even genitals were talked about as bad, dirty, wrong, and something that should be avoided at all costs. Many of our parents worried that sex (especially penetration without a condom) was going to corrupt us, ruin our futures, get us pregnant, or get us sick.
Those are other people’s views about sex. What are yours?
For me personally, I believe sex is a great way to connect me to my lover, I believe it’s a way of reducing stress and getting in a good workout, it can be a spiritual connection to something higher than myself.
If you just believed what culture taught you about intercourse, you’d think that sex was all about big boobs, blondes, porn, big penises, screaming orgasms, and smut.
But what role does sex really play in your life?Your beliefs about sex aren’t your own until you tease out where you got your beliefs from and figure out which beliefs are true to you.
Practice with lightheartedness.
If you take sex super-duper seriously all the time, you’re only going to get serious results. Sex can be serious, but sometimes the best sex is just incredibly fun.
So if you practice all these tips with an air of lightness – of lightheartedness – sex can be downright joyful. It doesn’t need to be scary and serious! Sex can be an area of play. It can be a sandbox for adults. This lighthearted attitude is going to make sex IMMEDIATELY easier.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
You’re going to go up and down in your sexual behavior — there will be times where you’re like “oh my god I can’t believe I couldn’t get her to orgasm through clitoral stimulation again!”
But if you’re approaching sex with lightheartedness, you’ll be able to ride those downs and get to the highs way faster.
And be honest! It’s not just enough to be lighthearted, you have to be honest. If you say to your partner, “Hey I’m trying to get better at sex, so can you give me feedback but can we keep this fun and light?” That’s going to be way easier for you to go into that scenario than pretending you know everything there is to know about sex and that you can’t receive feedback because it would crush your soul.
No one wants to have sex with that guy.
Instead, say “I want to get better at oral sex, can you give me some pointers as I eat out your vulva?” THAT’S fun! Be that guy!
There are so many awesome books about sex and sexuality, in fact I have a list of favorites.
If you’re the kind of person that likes reading about your business, reading about finances, reading about cars, loves reading the instruction manuals when you buy new gadgets – than why wouldn’t you read about the amazing vagina, how the libido works, or the secrets to foreplay?
Why should sex be the one thing that you never have to study, but you’re going to expect yourself to reach your full erotic potential? Forget that! Go do research and read. It’s fun! It’ll make you better in the long run.
Think of it like pleasure instruction manuals with the best sex tips! But before you read anything old thing on the internet, be sure to check the source. Don’t believe everything you read about sex. There are people out there trying to make a buck by telling you a bunch of BS about how to make her moan the right way, and to buy their crazy penis lube that has magical sex chemicals in it at the gas station.
People will take your money in exchange for promises. Don’t trust everything you read. Make sure it’s a trusted source, from a peer-reviewed journal, and decide for yourself if the information is credible enough to put into practice.
And remember: just because it works for someone, it doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you. Remember that. If you read something that promises something, just know that there is no silver bullet or magic pill to sexual wellness.
Sex is cool. It’s complicated. Different things work for different people. Everyone has different needs and sex is not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Pay for quality materials. (Like porn, erotic instructional videos, and sex toys.)
Buy top-notch porn that’s made ethically by producers who feature a diversity of bodies and a diversity of sexual acts that reflect real life. (now THAT’S my kind of activism!)
If you rely strictly on free porn or strictly on free information, you’re not getting the full depth and richness that’s available out there. There’s tons of free stuff out there (Like hit up the library or my free guide!) But recognize that free guides and information you can find on the internet – it’s a great start, but it’s not representative of all the information out there.
Spend money to work with a sexuality coach or a licensed sex therapist. Get impactful, PROVEN information out there by a credible sexuality expert, and spend your TIME working on different positions and sex acts. Don’t expect to become a master lover overnight just based on a handful of free sources you found on the internet from some sex blogger. Find information that’s worth your money and time that will make a big impact.
Masturbation Can Teach You a Thing or Two!
Grab the vibrator, ladies and gents. This is 100% my NUMBER ONE most important tip. That’s right – you should become an expert lover to yourself. Learn your whole body. Why is this my number one tip?
Where else are you going to learn about sex other than in your own body? What brings you climax? If you start right here in your body, and if you become an expert at how your whole body functions as a sexual being. You have everything that you need right here in order to experience the fullness of everything I discussed here today.
And even more fun? Practice with your partner!
Become a Sexpert, Become Amazing at Sex.
These are some of the ways that I became a sexpert. Yes, I’ve worked in sex research, I’ve worked in labs, I’ve written papers, and I’ve taught sex education, but I’ve also done all these things above to become an expert in my own right. I believe that you too can become a sexpert, so you can know how to deliver pleasure to yourself and your partner like its your JOB.
Still, if you’d like help from a professional sex coach, then download my free guide! In it, you’ll learn the basics of how to start lasting longer in bed right away for better sex. Got another issue? Apply to work with me today. Because this is what I do – I help men all around the world become amazing at sex. It’s a cool job, and I love it. I wouldn’t want to be an expert at anything else.
If you want to educate yourself about how to gain unshakable confidence, foster a better relationship with your body AND partner, and end premature ejaculation for good, Come When You Want is my step-by-step guide to lasting longer in bed and achieving ejaculatory control. It delivers many of the same tools I use in one on one coaching but in a video format you can access from your phone or computer. Check it out! The first step to an amazing sex life is to learn and dive in.