So you’re thinking about having sex for the very first time.
And, maybe you’re not sure how to go about this. And certain things you’ve heard are freaking you out…
Like, you’ve heard that sex for the first time is supposed to be incredibly painful, that there will be more blood on the sheets than a Saw movie, that you’re going to end up pregnant or get your partner pregnant, that you’re going to get a gnarly-looking STI with itchy hives all over your taint.
Or that you’ll completely embarrass yourself.
You’re afraid it’ll be awkward, or that you’ll completely destroy your relationship with the person you have sex with.
So, it’s understandable you might be going into losing your virginity with a twinge of nervousness.
That’s why, in this blog article, I’m giving you the 10 essential steps to having amazing sex for the first time, whether it’s your first time EVER, or just your first time with this specific partner.
After reading this, you’ll know exactly what to do during sex to show her that you actually know what you’re doing.
And I’m gonna give you two bonus steps that I WISH I KNEW when I did the horizontal tango for the first time.
If you follow the 12 simple steps in this video, you’ll be a great lover right off the bat, and your partner might even want to have sex with you again and again!
Table of Contents
Title: Myths surrounding Sex for the first time
I’m really excited for you. You’re about to discover that sex is a really positive thing, and nothing to be afraid of. It feels good, it can bring you closer to your trusted sex partner, and hey! It’s healthy! It’s not all the doom and gloom you might have heard in health class.
But first, as a sex researcher turned professional sex and relationship coach, I have a couple of myths I have to bust right now.
MYTH #1: Everyone is doin’ it!
This myth has been going around before your grandparents grandparents grandparents even boned, and I’m telling you, it’s a lie.
According to a recent study, less than half of people age 19 and younger have ever had sex.
And still, for people ages 20 – 24, still 12 percent have STILL never had sex.
Let me be the first to tell you: no one actually cares if you’re a virgin or not. Literally, nobody cares. Other things matter way more, like are you respectful? Do you care about people? Are you not a giant blowhard? In fact, being a virgin might be a desirable trait for some people. So you don’t have to worry about that.
MYTH #2: Losing your virginity is something that just spontaneously “happens”.
Losing your virginity is not like being struck by lightning. You don’t trip and fall into someone’s vagina.
While SOME people might spontaneously lose their virginity, this is certainly not the rule.
Because here’s the thing: taking the “spontaneous willy nilly” approach might make us feel unprepared, vulnerable, and anxious.
The truth is, losing your virginity requires planning. The more prepared you are, the more confident you will feel, and the better the experience will be.
So let’s dive into HOW to be good at sex … even if its the very first time you get laid.
12 steps to being amazing at sex your very first time
Here are 10 simple steps to follow (plus 2 bonus tips!) if you want to be good at sex … whether its your first time with a new lover or first time EVER.
#1: talk to your potential sex partner about it beforehand.
Talk about why you’re interested in having sex, why this might be the right time, your intention for having sex with them, and what it means for you.
And real quick, get checked for STIs. Even if both of you are virgins, if either of you have fooled around with someone at some point, you could have contracted an STI and not even know it. There is absolutely no shame in this, it happens all the time, just go see your doctor so you know for sure.
#2: No one has to do anything they’re uncomfortable with.
Your partner doesnt have the right to coerce you into ANYTHING. And vice versa. If you don’t want to do something, say so! Speak up!
Keep this in mind too: your partner saying “no” is not an invitation to keep pushing and begging and badgering. This is coercion, and it’s a really shitty thing to do.
And remember — anyone can change their mind at any time. Even if you guys are in the middle of having sex, if you or your partner changes your mind, that is totally fair, you do not have to keep having sex. You can always stop.
#3: Come armed with condoms and contraception.
A trip to walgreens is in order, my young horndogs.
Pro tip: if you own a penis, practice putting a condom on beforehand. You don’t wanna be that person who fumbles with his junk and accidentally slingshots the condom across the room.
Heck, even try masturbating with a condom on so it doesnt feel so strange the first time you have sex with latex wrapped around your joystick.
You’ve probably already heard that yes, you CAN get knocked up when you have sex for the first time, so this is not a time to feel lucky or take any chances.
#4: please please PLEASE do not forget about foreplay.
This is going to be true for the rest of your damn life. So listen up.
Foreplay is so important when it comes to sex. Girls are told that the first time they have sex will hurt. But it doesn’t have to hurt!! Especially if they’re warmed up first.
So, if your partner is female, know that she’s going to take longer than you to feel aroused. Consider going down on her, fingering her, kissing and fondling her breasts, rubbing her hands all over her, kissing her neck, making out… anything to make her feel extra extra turned on, extra horny, will make sex SO much more pleasurable for her and it will mean she won’t experience much pain at all.
#5: don’t forget the lube when you grab your condoms at the pharmacy!
Once again, we’re trying to avoid pain and increase comfort. If you use lube, sex will be a much smoother, glidier experience.
Lube makes it easier for the penis to slide inside the vagina. It’s worth it.
#6: Use your fingers to locate the vaginal opening. Guide the penis inside the vagina.
Look — finding the vaginal opening for the first time can have you feeling a bit like Lewis and Clark.
It can be really tricky at first, even for vagina-owners. I know I had a really hard time at first trying to insert a tampon, for example, because for all I knew, my vaginal opening could have been in Narnia.
#7: make sure you’re sober.
You’ll remember it, you’ll be better at it, and you’ll have a better time. (oh, and the penis is way more likely to do as its told.)
#8: if you have a penis, know that you might orgasm really really quickly.
You might last all of two seconds.
Or, you might not be able to get it up at ALL.
Sometimes, your penis is like the singing dancing frog and doesn’t do what you want it to do.
This is perfectly normal, it’s very common, your dick isn’t broken. This happens to a lot of men when they’re nervous. Just pack things up and try again later.
But if you end up trying to have sex a bunch of times, and you either can’t last long enough, or you can’t get it up, you absolutely need to check out my course Come When You Want. This course is everything you need to gain control over your erections, and last exactly as long as you want during sex.
#9: If you own a vagina, know that you’re not going to orgasm the first time around.
In fact, if you do, I’ll be really damn impressed.
Also look. Orgasm isn’t even the point, okay? While the first time having sex won’t be extremely bloody and painful, it also probably won’t be a minty blast of pleasure, either. You might honestly just feel kind of “meh” about it. And thats fine.
The more you have sex, the more your body will get used to having sex, and the more enjoyable it will feel. Trust me — the first time you have sex does NOT set the tone for the rest of your sex life.
And while we’re talking about orgasms, absolutely do not pressure your partner or yourself to have an orgasm. First of all, this just isn’t realistic. And it just causes pressure and stress that just doesn’t have to be there.
#10: Know that you or your partner might have an emotional reaction when you’re done with the deed.
You might laugh, you might cry, you might feel depressed, you might need snuggles or space… this is common. So be prepared and open-minded about whatever emotions come. After all, they won’t last forever.
So for those of you who HAVE had sex — what did I forget? What advice do you WISH you had received before popping your cherry? Write in the comments the one or two pieces of advice you would give someone who is thinking about losing their virginity.
BONUS #1 — keep it simple. Don’t try to emulate what you see in porn.
Do not try to be a fancy figure skater and wow your partner with your sweet moves. This is not parkour. And this is not the time for saucy horizontal dance moves or tricky sex positions.
Right now, the missionary position is perfect.
Your partner will appreciate that you’re not trying to reinvent the wheel.
BONUS #2 — find a comfortable spot.
The more comfortable both of you are, the easier and more pleasurable your first time will be, and the more relaxed your nervous systems will be.
TO RECAP, if this is your first time with a new lover … or first time EVER … don’t fall for the myth that sex for the first time just spontaneously happens. Before the deed, make sure you communicate about it beforehand, that you both don’t pressure each other into doing anything the other person doesn’t want to do, and PLEASE wear a condom and make sure you’re sober. And finally, don’t expect perfection.