Today, let’s talk about anal sex, or, most commonly known as “anal penetration” or “butt stuff.”
Butt stuff, anal sex, anal play, whatever you want to call it, has become more popular in the past 20 to 30 years. One theory I have is that millennials and other young people are really into anal intercourse. They love big butts, there’s butts all over Instagram – butts have their own culture! Butts are IN.
Also, porn is a lot more popular and accessible than ever, and we all tend to get tired and desensitized of the same old porn videos.
Anal play and anal intercourse is a way of diversifying porn without needing to bring in more actors and more extreme sexual activity measures. All these butts everywhere make people more interested in anal sex! After all, it’s worth discovering what all the hype is about, right?
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Why You Might Want to Try Anal Sex
Whatever the cause for the popularity of this sexual practice, there are plenty of reasons to be interested in anal sex. It’s taboo, it’s different, it’s novel.
If you’ve been having sex with your partner for a long time, it’s a great way to spice things up.
Butt sex can also be very pleasurable for both partners if done correctly. The anus has a BUTT-TON of nerve endings! (Pun very intended!)
This article is about how to get your partner to have anal sex with you, which presumes that you’ve spoken to them about it before, or you somehow know that your partner is just not interested. I’m going to go out on a limb here. I think the majority of men want to experience anal sex, and the majority of women feel kind of disgusted by the sexual act.
Anal sex: you want it, but your sexual partner doesn’t.
Why Women Are Hesitant to Try Anal Sex (And What You Can Do About It)
Why are many women hesitant to try anal sex for the first time? There are plenty of good reasons, gentlemen, for her to feel the way she feels.
1. She’s expecting it to hurt.
Chances are, a guy tried to stick a finger in there once and she didn’t have a great time. Maybe it hurt really bad. Maybe she even bled. Penetrative anal sex can seem scary at first, which is why you need plenty of lube and it take it slow.
2. She thinks it’s going to be dirty and gross.
Ladies like cleanliness when it comes to sexual behavior or all kinds. She doesn’t understand why you want to go in through the outdoor, when poop goes out the outdoor. Instead of focusing on how amazing anal stimulation feels, she’s too busy worrying about fecal matter. Yikes.
3. It’s new and feels kind of foreign
She doesn’t know that much about anal play, and she probably hasn’t watched a ton of porn videos of women enjoying anal intercourse the way that you have.
You’re probably thinking “Aw man, anal play is super simple! Everybody does it!” and she’s thinking, “None of my friends ever talk about anal play, anal is not something that I do, anal sex is for porn stars.”
She has a lot of reasons that she’s coming from the perspective that she is, so I want to start by prefacing that.
Listen – women don’t just make stuff up from nowhere. In a world where vaginal sex is more accepted, they have reasons to feel the way that they do about letting you go up her backside! Her reasons for maybe not wanting to have anal sex are totally valid.
It’s a good idea to treat them as valid before you start this conversation, so she feels way more heard, way more understood, way more loved and cared for, and all of those feelings are going to be what eventually unlocks her back door, to speak.
Advice for Women to Work Up to Anal Sex
Here’s the truth: the anus has a bad reputation, but it didn’t earn it, okay? It’s not dirty. End the butthole stigma! No poop is stored in the anus. Anal penetration is also not painful if done correctly — with a lot of lube, starting with a correctly-sized dildo, using condoms, and setting up a relaxing environment.
Buttholes have a bad rap. We’re here to solve that.
Here’s how to warm her up to the idea to having anal sex.
1. Figure out why she feels the way she feels (if she’s against anal sex).
I mentioned this earlier, but it’s worth mentioning again. Chances are, she has very valid reasons why she’s not exploring her anal area for her next sexual encounter. It’s your job to ask what those reasons are and come up with creative solutions.
By having a conversation, you can learn her thoughts, her misconceptions, and fears around anal sex. You can then introduce information that contradicts these thoughts and beliefs.
For example, she might think that there’s going to be poop and that it’s going to gross you out. She might be worried that you’ll find her body gross and that you won’t want to have sex with her anymore. You can say to her, “Well hey, poop is not stored in the anus or in the first few inches of the rectum so no worries there. And even if you are worried about a bowel movement, I wouldn’t be grossed out. I know there’s a risk of that and I’m willing to plan for it and I would never judge you or think you’re gross if that were to be the case.”
Super simple. It doesn’t take a whole lot of creativity, but a simple conversation can take you really far.
2. Make Sure Your Sex Life is Already Bumpin’.
Are you having regular sex?
How often does she orgasm during vaginal intercourse? If you’re not having great intercourse and sexual health and you ask, “listen, I know we haven’t been intimate in a year, but how do you feel about anal intercourse?” It’s not going to go over that well.
How satisfied is she with your sex life? Is she reaching orgasm every time? Is she feeling pleased and satisfied? Does she initiate sexual contact? And even if she doesn’t initiate sex, does she enthusiastically have sex and reach orgasm.
These are all really important questions. Anal is not going to fix something that’s broken. It’s more like the cherry on top of the icing of the cake that you two have been baking together. So, your sex life should already be awesome. And you should be someone that she wants to have sex with.
If you’re not taking care of yourself, not treating yourself well, your hygiene is bad, you don’t shave or clean yourself, you don’t workout… whatever the man she initially fell in love with was doing, and now you’ve gotten kind of lazy with all of this, and NOW you’re expecting her to re-enact anal porn?!
She’s not going to automatically become a receptive partner.
Seriously – hit the gym. Make sure she has regular orgasms during vaginal intercourse. Maybe go down on her or do that thing she likes. Get all this in place before you make this ask.
And then ask! Then you can ask from a strong, well-rounded perspective instead of coming off as needy or feeling like this is going to save your sex life.
Because really, it’s just one of the awesome tools in the endless toolbox of sex and sexuality.
3. Know that anal sex is not all-or-nothing.
She’s not having anal sex on a regular basis, so there’s going to be some anal training involved…
There are tons of steps along the way to creating the right environment. First, you can start fantasizing about it with her! You can start introducing it into your dirty talk. You could fantasize about having anal sex when you’re having vaginal sex.
You can also lead up to anal sex without actually going in.
For example, you could ask her if it’s okay for you to put a finger just on the outside of her anus. And then you graduate to a lubricated finger or small sex toy on the inside – so, penetrating the anus with a finger. (A SHORT-NAILS, WELL-LUBRICATED, finger!)
Consider putting a condom on your finger so after you pull your finger out of her anus, you can just throw that condom to the side and you don’t have to wash your hands.
After, maybe you move to penetration with no movement, and then ultimately penetration with movement.
And don’t forget, there are tons of great toys like butt plugs, anal beads, vibrators, and dildos that you can utilize along the way and to assist in anal training.
You could also buy a pocket pussy – a flesh toy – that looks like an anus, and you can put that on her back or near her anus and have sex with that. It could be part of a fantasy for the two of you before you actually make it a reality.
Tips for Having Anal Sex for the First Time
1. Lube, lube, lube, lube, LUBE!
I highly recommend a silicone-based lube (as long as you’re not using a silicone-based toy) because it doesn’t dry out very quickly. It’s also a lot thicker, so it stays where you put it, which is ideal for anal sex because the feeling of having something dripping out of your anus is NOT a good time.
Silicone-based lube is a great tool for making sure things stay slick and painless.
Remember: the anus is not self-lubricating like the vagina! It needs to be lubricated.
I love Uber Lube – they make really great lubricant that comes in a clear glass bottle, and it’s made close to where I live in Illinois. And you can use it to tame flyaways in your hair, so I think win win win!
(And no, they didn’t pay me for this mention. I just really love the stuff.)
2. Have a towel or wet wipes nearby.
You don’t want to be scrambling to find something in the event of some fecal matter or smell.
3. Consider using condoms.
Condoms make for a very smooth entrance and help avoid discomfort. Condoms together with lube can make things a lot easier for the insertive partner, especially for the first time you try anal sex.
4. Try anal from different sex positions.
I used to think that anal sex required the woman to be turned around, doggy style, staring at the wall or the bed or the couch. But if you are reasonably flexible, insertive anal sex can be achieved on your back with your knees up toward your chest, with your partner facing you.
This way, you can make eye contact and communicate to make it a pleasurable experience. You can go faster and harder… because when you’re able to read your female partner – to key in on their breathing, to see their facial expressions, etc, you can tell when it’s maybe time to ask them if they enjoy it or if you should slow down.
The “Bottom” Line
Your woman has valid reasons why she doesn’t want to try anal sex. But if you listen to her thoughts and beliefs (and myths around anal sex), and if you talk it through with her, AND if you show her that you both can slowly work toward it together with lots of lubricant!), she might actually end up enjoying herself!
Are Anal Orgasms In Your Future?
So many people have questions about anal sex, and I am here for you! If you need help with any aspect of your sex life – whether you’re struggling with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or anything else, drop me a line. Apply to work with me today to get your sex life back on track – after all, you and your relationship deserve it!I’ve helped thousands of men gain confidence and improve performance in bed with the Come When You Want Method. The success rate has been so high that I decided to turn this method into an online course. Come When You Want is my step-by-step guide to lasting longer in bed, experiencing ejaculatory control, and developing unshakable confidence. It delivers many of the same tools I use in one on one coaching but in a video format you can access from your phone or computer. Check it out!