When you can’t reach orgasm when you’re ready to – even after an intense amount of sexual stimulation – it can cause confusion, misunderstanding, and pain in a relationship. Your partner might think that you’re not attracted to them, or that they’re “doing it wrong.” It can even end relationships. This is why it’s so important to talk about delayed ejaculation.
Have you ever had the experience of not being able to ejaculate when you were ready to, even after an intense amount of sexual stimulation? Then YOU, my friend, have experienced delayed ejaculation.
Delayed Ejaculation occurs when a man cannot reach orgasm and cannot ejaculate when he wants to – within a reasonable amount of time and with a reasonable amount of sexual stimulation.
How to tell if delayed ejaculation affects you:
If you’re ready to reach orgasm and you just can’t seem to make it happen, then that’s a delay. That qualifies as delayed ejaculation in my book.
There is a small but important contingent of men (1 to 4 percent of the population) who experience delayed ejaculation. And just like premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation causes all kinds of frustration, confusion, pain, and even broken-up relationships.
Why we need to talk about delayed ejaculation
So if only 4 percent of the population is affected by delayed ejaculation, than why talk about it? Here’s why:
Delayed ejaculation is highly misunderstood.
We have a lot of ideas in our culture about what men “SHOULD BE”: the kind of sex that men “SHOULD HAVE”, that they should always want sex, that they should always be able to come and ejaculate EXACTLY when they want to and not a minute sooner.
Men, you have bodies! Bodies are unpredictable! Bodies have changes! They fluctuate and change from day to day. This is true of women’s bodies and it’s true of men’s bodies.
Female partners jump to conclusions.
The other reason we need to talk about this is because female partners of men who have delayed ejaculation often totally misunderstand what’s going on. They assume that their man is not turned on by them, that he’s not aroused by them, that they’re not doing anything right. This is simply not the case for most men.
For men who experience delayed ejaculation on an ongoing basis, it usually has nothing to do with his partner. It’s not his lack of attraction for her, it’s not a lack of her skills. More often than not, it has to do with him and his physiology and psychology.
What causes delayed ejaculation?
There are a number of causes of delayed ejaculation. Once you understand the underlying cause, you’ll better be able to manage the problem.
It is a natural condition of the body to become desensitized and less able to reach ejaculation over time. So if you’re in your fifties, sixties, seventies, and eighties – it’s not uncommon for you to experience delayed ejaculation.
A medical condition
This could be inflammation, a hormone imbalance – it could be anything. If you’re experiencing delayed ejaculation, go see a urologist or medical doctor. Tell them about the symptoms you’re experiencing and ask them to do a complete checkup to rule out any medical causes.
Prescription drug side effects
If you’ve recently been prescribed a prescription drug, go to your doctor and ask them if they believe that the drug could cause this side effect, and if they can change the prescription you’re on.
Improper or poor masturbation techniques
This is the number one issue I see contributing to delayed ejaculation in my coaching practice.
Most men learn to masturbate without anyone teaching them. You just figure it out. Some young men start to masturbate by rubbing themselves against the mattress, or into a pillow, or against the box spring, and they learn to reach orgasm through a very rough way. It’s hard for a partner to recreate a box spring during sex!
If partnered sex feels vastly different from masturbation, then it’s going to be very hard to reach orgasm with a partner.
The good news is that’s it’s totally fixable, no matter how long you’ve been masturbating. You CAN recondition your body.
What about porn?
Many men in their twenties and thirties grew up with internet porn.
This conditioned your brain to need a lot of stimulus to reach orgasm. For a lot of men, this means that without extreme porn (or without a whole harem), you can’t get off. Your tolerance is too high. You’ve become addicted to extreme amounts of visual sensations that porn provides. So when you’re with a partner, and she’s only one person who is willing to do a limited number of sexual things with you, than it’s going to be hard to orgasm.
(If you’re not familiar with how your sexual brain works, go read my blog post “Use Visualizations to Last Longer in Bed” because the same concept applies!)
What can you do about delayed ejaculation?
Go to a doctor.
Make sure you rule out any medical causes, including any prescription drugs. Tell your doctor about what’s going on, ask for a full checkup, and ask if they know of any underlying medical causes for this to be happening, and see if there’s anything they can do to help you manage it.
Increase in stimulation.
If your delayed ejaculation is caused because of age, you’re going to need more stimulation in order to get off. Your nerve endings aren’t as sensitive as they used to be! The solve? Use a vibrator. That’s right, boys, vibrators aren’t just for women!) Use a vibrator on the tip of your penis, on your shaft, on your perineum (affectionately known as the taint). Or, simply have your partner put his or her hands on the perineum to increase stimulation.
Another great place to stimulate? The PROSTATE!
That’s right – I’m recommending you put things in your butt. You know why? Because your butt has tons of nerve endings. You have a massive pleasure center up your back door that is only about three inches inside.
There are also some really great prostate-stimulating toys out there. So if you’re having trouble reaching orgasm when you want, adding some extra stimulation can feel really good even if you don’t have delayed ejaculation.
Change how you masturbate.
If you’ve been masturbating using a death drip without lube, if you’ve been using a couch cushion… you have to change the way you masturbate. Change it to feel how a woman – how another body – feels! Use something that’s warm, wet, and smooth. Buy a flesh light. Buy one of those toys that looks like a body and you can put it on the bed and you can hump away at it. Use a damn microwaved banana peel (not too hot!).
Do whatever you need to do to recreate the feeling of being with a person, so you get used to orgasming in that way.
This might take a while, okay? You’ve been masturbating one way for at least a decade, maybe three or four decades. It’s going to take your brain time to retrain itself to reach orgasm differently.
Don’t masturbate at all
Only have partnered sex! Save all of that arousal and build up for the release that you’ll have with your partner.
Quit watching porn
I personally do not have anything against porn. I think it’s great. Especially for men who are into things like tentacles and other things you can’t exactly achieve with a partner. But, if you’re experiencing delayed ejaculation, you need to start retraining your brain on partnered sex.
When you masturbate, visualize yourself with your partner and see if that doesn’t solve the issue for you.
Here’s the best part
Your body was made to reach orgasm. You literally evolved from the very fact that your ancestors ejaculated. That’s the only way that you got here. You have THOUSANDS OF YEARS of successful ejaculation behind you! Your body will figure it out! Your body wants to reach orgasm!
So if you give it enough time, your body will rewire all of its circuits to reach orgasm.
There are plenty of ways to restore your power to ejaculate when the time is right. If you need some help in the process, apply for one-on-one coaching with me where I can help guide you through the steps required to never have a problem with delayed ejaculation ever again.