Freedom! Having your cake and eating it too! Sampling the entire sexual smorgasbord! There’s a whole wide world out there and maybe you want to turn it into your personal sex buffet. And maybe you can! Maybe you should!
Non-monogamy might sound great, but how do you know it’s for you? And how do you dip your toes in?
The truth is, everyone’s different. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. And although the idea of non-monogamy may have its appeal, there’s a lot more to it than you might think.
Here’s the thing: a fulfilling, satisfying sex life is about finding the situations and experiences that feel most true-to-you.
Maybe you’re thinking about opening up your current relationship, or you’re single and wondering if dating more than one person at a time could be a good fit for you.
Or maybe you’re just curious.
Today, I’m sharing the eight major signs that non-monogamy could be a good fit for your personality and attachment style.
What is non-monogamy, anyway?
“Non-monogamy” is an umbrella term that covers all the ways to have sexual or romantic experiences with multiple people at a time.
Non-monogamy can include:
- open relationships
- closed relationships with certain permissions (sometimes known as Monogamish).
- relationship anarchy
It’s a long, exciting road of self discovery to find out what works for YOU. And reading this blog article could be the first step.
Eight signs non-monogamy could be for you
Here are a few ways to gauge whether non-monogamy might be your thing — or if you should stick with a more traditional, monogamous relationship model.
#1. You’re a great communicator and willing to get better
You love communicating about your relationship and you’re comfortable doing it. People have this idea about non-monogamy that it’s a little bit of talking and a whole lot of sex with a whole lot of people… the reality is different. Non-monogamy involves a whole lot of talking and then, sometimes, getting laid.
As with anything that happens between the sheets, the most important thing about creating a non-monogamous relationship is that everyone involved feels safe, trusting, and comfortable.
When bringing other people into the mix, whether it’s you and your lady agreeing to one wild night with the plumber, or making the decision that you’d like to seriously date two people at once, you have to make sure you and your romantic partners are on the same page.
Experimenting with a non-monogamous relationship is a commitment to constantly checking in. Just because you’ve decided to have multiple entanglements at once, doesn’t mean you’re always going to feel great about it.
Jealousy, insecurity, distrust, and confusion are a natural part of all relationships, monogamous or not. And that’s okay! It’s all about working through them with your partners.
It makes total sense that introducing more people into your rotation will only allow more opportunities for those feelings to come up. So yes, if you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, this absolutely means you’re allowed to have a wild night of passion with your shockingly flexible yoga teacher…but if your wife or girlfriend wants to talk about it when you get home, that’s just a part of the deal.
#2. You welcome challenging emotions
When you welcome multiple partners into your life, you also welcome a whole lot of emotion. This could be an amazing chance to continue to get to know yourself as you navigate new, ever-changing emotional territory. You get to enjoy the excitement, variety, and openness of multiple partners, but be prepared for all the emotions that come with it.
You can probably expect jealousy, uncertainty, and insecurity. Maybe you see these emotions as purely negative, and if that’s the case then non-monogamy might not be for you.
But maybe you see these difficult emotions as a positive opportunity to dig deeper into yourself. These feelings can offer a chance to work through the fears at the root of it all and grow closer to your partners as a result.
If you welcome some discomfort for the chance of self discovery, you may benefit from exploring non-monogamy.
#3. You don’t let jealous thoughts consume you
Jealousy has paid us all a visit at one point or another. It’s not usually a cute look. But just like a pimple on prom night, sometimes there’s just not much you can do.
Jealousy is a natural part of intimate relationships, monogamous or not, and we all have different ways of coping with it. Some of us are affected by it more than others.
If you’re the type of person that can’t sleep at night by the thought of your partner with someone else? Then maybe give non-monogamy a pass.
But if you’re able to hold the feelings of jealousy and not let them consume you, then opening things up may be a good fit.
#4. You have a secure attachment style
Attachment styles are formed in your early childhood, typically in relation to your primary caregivers.
The main three attachment styles are:
According to Mind Body Green, the Anxious Attachment Style is “rooted in a fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being underappreciated.”
If you have an anxious attachment style, your relationships are more likely to feel unstable and uncertain.
Do your romantic partners sometimes feel too close for comfort? Do you find yourself withdrawing from your partner’s attempts to bond or open up? If you find it hard to open up to others or stay consistent in your relationship, you might have an avoidant attachment style.
These lucky bastards had emotionally healthy childhoods and enter relationships from a place of confidence, openness and trust. If this is you, congratulations! Must be nice to be so chill.
Exploring a non-monogamous relationship as a person with a secure attachment style is easier because trusting, independence, and open communication comes naturally.
Secure folks also make it easier for anxious and avoidant types to form secure attachments by modeling what the anxious and avoidant people never got from their parents growing up.
I want to make something clear: if you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, nothing is wrong with you. It’s possible for you to have a healthy, happy, and trusting sexual or romantic relationship – monogamous or not. It just means you have to be more mindful of deeply ingrained patterns and coping mechanisms.
And be ready to do the heavy lifting — deep internal work — as needed.
#5. You’re in a phase of exploration
Or maybe you’re not sure what you want! Either way, being with new partners gives us the opportunity to explore and discover all the nooks and crannies of our sexual selves.
Whatever your desires are, opening yourself up to multiple partners is a great way to learn about what we like, don’t like, and everything in between.
#6. You have a lot to give
Let’s get one thing straight. Successful relationships, whether they’re casual, committed, monogamous, or non-monogamous, take time, energy, and focus.
If you’re a busy person who’s barely able to keep track of yourself, maybe non-monogamy isn’t for you.
On the other hand, maybe you’re a love making machine with lots of time to spare. Maybe you’re a bottomless well of affection and emotional capacity. If this sounds like you and you think you can handle it, then why not spread the love around!
If you have a lot of time in your schedule and are interested in maintaining physical or romantic relationships with multiple people, I say go for it.
Like I mentioned before, opening up your romantic life to multiple partners requires maintenance. It can be a fun and exciting way to spice up your sex life, but just make sure you’re able to hold up your end of the bargain. As with all relationships, it’s important to set healthy expectations and boundaries, and follow through on your emotional agreements.
#7. You’re a serial cheater
There are a lot of reasons people cheat and it’s never fun for anyone involved. If you’re a serial cheater, chances are you struggle to maintain healthy and happy relationships.
Why you cheat is personal, and it’s an important thing to get to the bottom of if you want to have a satisfying romantic life.
If you’re someone who struggles to remain loyal in monogamous relationships, maybe you should ask yourself if that’s because you’re just not meant to be in one!
There are ways to be in an ethical non-monogamy relationship that allows you to sleep and connect with multiple people, without betraying anyone’s trust.
If all your monogamous relationships are failing because you aren’t able to be satisfied with just one partner, maybe give non-monogamy a try! It could just be that you’re trying to fit a square peg into a round hole… when what you really should be doing is ethically putting your square peg into multiple square holes… you catch my drift?
#8. Your ideal relationship involves multiple partners
Finally, it’s possible you just know. You feel in your core that your ideal relationship involves multiple partners. I’m here to tell you: that’s okay. You’re not alone in this. Your ideal partner, or partners, are out there.
When it comes to sex and relationships, there’s a lot of shame attached to wanting unconventional arrangements. Here’s the truth: whatever you feel is right for you at your core… is great.
You have the power to seek exactly what feels right for you. You deserve a fulfilling, exciting and SATISFYING sex and relationship life.
Benefits to Mixed-Orientation Relationships
Maybe your ideal relationship, or your partner’s ideal relationship, involves multiple genders!
If you’re in a mixed orientation relationship, where one person is bisexual and the other is straight or gay, opening things up so that you or your partner can have it both ways might be something worth looking into!
Non-monogamy Red Flags
Although exploring non-monogamy could be a great fit for you, there are a few circumstances when it’s better to hold off on making that decision.
1. Your relationship is struggling
We’ve all heard this story: monogamous couple opens up their failing relationship in order to save it. This… would be a no no. Non-monogamy requires a really solid relationship foundation in order to work. If you’re having problems in your monogamous partnership, you’ll want to address those before you consider opening up. Make sure your existing relationship is in good standing before you bring others into it.
2. Polybombing. It’s just rude
Polybombing is when a polyamorous relationship suddenly tries to change the monogamous nature of their partner. Not everyone is open to non-monogamy and that’s okay!
What’s not okay is trying to force someone to be something they’re not. If you know your partner is, in their core, a monogamous person, then it’s not fair for you to try and change them.
3. Your intentions aren’t exactly pure
As with all things sex and relationships, we all should feel happy, comfortable, safe and secure in our experiences. Whichever way you swing, or don’t swing… there’s nothing wrong with you.
Whatever your decisions are, it’s important to make sure your intentions are pure and that you’re coming from a place of care and authenticity to yourself and others.
If your desire for non-monogamy is coming from a place of resentment toward your partner, a desire to sabotage your current relationship, or from a place of insecurity… then you need to think twice and address these issues first.
“I just realized I might be non-monogamous. What now?”
Consider applying for my coaching program High Performance Male. In it, we help guys navigate all kinds of relationship styles and approaches. We take a deep dive into relationship dynamics. I teach you all about the attachment styles and how to move through yours toward healthier and more satisfying relationships.
I’ll also teach you how to be the best lover you can be — this program is all about creating your best life.