The spiciest thing I’ve ever done in my long-term relationship? It was probably that one time we made a “home video” (wink wink) that involved props from around the house and garden.
Tell me THAT’S not spicy.
(Actually, it wasn’t spicy at all… we were using very bland vegetables like cucumbers and carrots. Literally nothing spicy. And at the same time, THE MOST SPICY!) ????
To be specific, I don’t love the term “spice things up”. I invite you to be as specific as possible.
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What does it mean to spice things up in the bedroom?
Let’s be real, most people find that their sex life becomes less interesting over the course of their relationship.
This is normal!
When we’re with a new partner, there’s a lot of anticipation and novelty. Everything’s new! It’s easy to stay in the sexual fantasy. We’re really into this new person and we really want them to feel sexual desire for us.
So with someone new, it can be pretty easy to stay interested and PRESENT when you’re gettin’ it on.
But overtime, your body and mind get used to having sex with that person. The anticipation and novelty and uncertainty that was present in the beginning of the relationship starts to fade away. And what replaces this excitement and novelty? Intimacy. Comfort. Security.
One is not better than the other! It’s not good or bad! They’re just different. And no matter where you are in your relationship, the reality is that we ALL want to have great sex.
But in order to continue to have great sex, we have to put work in to avoid a big fat rut.
Friends, this is what spicing things up means! To intentionally work on our sex lives. There’s nothing wrong with this. If you’ve recognized that you have to spice things up, Congratulations! You’re about to go on a super fun adventure with the person you love the most!
Repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with having to spice things up! There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little boredom with the situation. This is just life! This is how everything works. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship.
Some Fundamental Truths About Sex in Long-Term Relationships
1. Routine + certainty = a lack of variety and interest
The more that you change things up, the less predictable your sex life will be. The less predictable you are, the more interesting! It’s about trying new things, baby! Grab some sex toys, don the lingerie, try out some new dirty talk, experiment with role play and mutual masturbation … have fun!
2. Be good at giving and be game.
GGG is a GREAT term coined by Dan Savage (who totally snapped my bra once) but the term GGG (be good at giving and game) is the basis for being a great lover. Are you good to your lover? Are you good at giving to your lover? Are you game for trying new things?
If you’re not these three things, then throwing a new position into the mix is not necessarily going to make sex better. Make sure that when you mean “spice things up” you don’t mean “finally getting them to do all the things I’ve been wanting them to do but they haven’t been willing to do.”
For example, if you’ve wanted to have anal sex since the beginning of your relationship but she hasn’t wanted to, ask her how YOU can get better at giving, how YOU can be more open to new things, and how YOU can be a better lover. Ask her about her own sexual fantasy!
And THEN without expectation, offer ways to spice things up. But make sure you’re doing your part first. You get what you put into it!
3. All sex lives need work over time.
We’ve all fallen into this idea that a bangin’ sex life shouldn’t require work, but that’s ridiculous! That is nonsense! We’re willing to work on everything else, from our cars to our jobs to our online presence… but when it comes to sex, we feel like there’s something horribly wrong with us?
Ask any professional sex therapist: it’s not BAD that your sex life needs work. It just means you’re normal! (Also normal is a very hard word when it comes to sex, and here I am using it! Needing to work on your sex life is NORMAL!)
7 Tips for Spicing Up Your Sex Life
Understand that you don’t know everything about your partner.
A lot of people think that they know their partner. They think they know EVERYTHING there is to know about their partner, every sexual fantasy, everything they like during foreplay…everything that gives them pleasure.
In order to make your sex life more exciting, you have to first acknowledge that you don’t know everything about them. You must realize that they are still a mystery to you! There are parts of their bodies and mind that have gone unexplored, fantasies that you haven’t yet heard. But if you’re convinced you know everything already, it’s going to be hard for you to hear new and exciting information that’s going to help make sex more SPICY!
Looking for a spicier sex life but can’t last long enough? Check out my Masterclass, Come When You Want. This is your step-by-step guide that shows you how to take control over your ejaculation so you can try new things and pleasure her all night long.
Generate a list of sexy ideas.
If you already have some ideas of how to spice things up, write them down! Be prepared to share them with your partner!
Believe or not, the best place to start is by yourself. Have your partner do the same. You both should write lists… of 6 things MINIMUM… that you want to try in the bedroom.
This list can address tons of different things, from “I want more kissing” or “I want sex more frequently” to “I want to pretend to be a french maid” or something else way off the beaten path like “I want to have sex outside.”
The only limit is your imagination!
Before anything, spend time daydreaming, fantasizing, and thinking on your own. What would feel good for you? This will get the creative juices flowing and get you ready for the next step.
Introduce yourself to new ideas.
I will admit, as a sex and relationship professional, I still get introduced to new ideas all the time! It’s amazing how creative you can get once you allow yourself to become sexually expressive. So don’t feel like you have to generate ALL THE IDEAS right now. It takes time!
Start out with some good old fashioned content. (There’s tons out there!) I’m talkin’ books, workshops, websites, porn, and educational videos.
Porn, in fact, can be a great way to get ideas. While watching porn, how often have you thought, “Wow, I never thought to use that toy that way or to use my tongue that way or to get in that position before!” Read some erotic books! Heck, has the thought ever occurred to you to take an erotic massage class?
There’s so much information out there just waiting for the taking, and the internet is the perfect place to start. For example, I never knew that I loved latex until I saw people on the internet wearing suuuuuuuper sexy latex. I knew latex was a THING, but I never took the time to allow myself to sink into it and become aroused by it. But when I did I was like “WOW Im really into this!”
This lovely latex incident opened the door to other kinks and ideas such as saran wrap and mummification! These are things I never knew about and never knew I wanted to try until I came upon them.
Push yourself to the edges of your comfort zone.
No sexual revolution ever happened in a comfort zone. Nothing SPICY ever happens in the comfort zone. It just doesn’t! If you’re going to spice things up, you have to be willing to go all the way out to the edges and WAY beyond what makes you comfortable.
In fact, people get into ruts because they do what they’re comfortable with over and over and over and over and over and over and over again! (AND THEN AGAIN!)
So why is it so hard to spice things up? Why do so many people struggle with the sizzle? Because most people want to spice things up from WITHIN THEIR COMFORT ZONE.
As long as your relationship is safe, healthy, and you have each other’s backs… you should be able to go beyond your comfort zone, knowing you have a safe relationship to come back to.
Have a backup plan!
Sometimes we put a lot of weight on the exact way we’ve decided to spice things up. Let’s say you’re decided to try anal sex. You’ve got your lube and you’ve been practicing with butt plugs, and tonight is the night!
And then … it doesn’t go so great.
Maybe someone got a bad feeling. Maybe someone’s stomach hurts. Maybe insertion hurt and they freaked out and now there’s tears.
Sex isn’t always easy to schedule. It doesn’t always happen the way we want it to. Be okay with this, and have a backup plan. If things go poorly, set a second date! If it doesn’t work on Friday, try again on Saturday. If we don’t like anal, we’ll try something else! Try not to put too much weight on one single sex act. One single thing isn’t going to save your entire sex life or relationship, so be willing to let things go.
If you choose to involve other people, do so wisely, conditionally, and conscientiously.
A lot of the time, spicing things up involves bringing a third person into the bedroom! Or it might be inviting another couple or going to a play party. Frankly, I think it’s great and healthy! Think about it: humans evolved to have sex with multiple people. We’re not even wired to be monogamous. This doesn’t mean that monogamy isn’t possible, it just means that it’s a fairly obvious choice to involve others in the bedroom.
Do so wisely! Understand that other people are full people with feelings, thoughts, desires, hearts and minds! We want to be as careful and intentional about their experiences as well as our experience.
Understand that there’s an existing power dynamic between you and your partner, so make sure that extra person has enough space to say “Yes”, “No”, “I want less” or “This does/does not work for me”.
Figure out whether they’re going to spend the night afterwards. Figure out what your methods of communication will be. Set your own boundaries.
You know what — don’t even invite anyone else into the room until you both have had a serious conversation about how you’re going to handle other people during hanky panky. Get very clear on what’s allowed, and what’s not.
And don’t just use people to spice things up. Other people are not tools! They are not a means to an end! They are people! If you’re going to include them, do so with integrity and honesty.
Remember that what’s spicy to one person is vanilla to another.
And that’s perfectly fine. For you, spicing things up might mean having sex outside or in the car. Spicing things up might mean doggie style. If you’ve been crackin’ whips all summer, spicing things up might mean trying out missionary!
There’s no right or wrong answer.
I want you to be perfectly honest with yourself about what level of spice you’re looking for. Have a conversation with yourself first.
There is no right or wrong way to do spicy. There’s no right or wrong timeline. Some people start early on with whips and chains and leather, and others start later on in life. And it’s all good!
It’s all gravy, baby!
The more open and non judgmental you’re willing to be, the more you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone, to listen and give to your partner, the spicier your relationship will be.
Create a Better Sex Life. Talk to a Sex Coach.
Whether you’re trying to last longer in bed, overcome erectile dysfunction, or simply start having more sex with your lover, I’m always here if you need to talk to a sex expert. In fact, you can apply to have a free consultation call with me so we can go over your challenges and see how I can help. As a sex coach, I’ve spent years helping HUNDREDS of couples achieve better sex lives, and I would love to help you too. Click here to apply to work with me today!