You may not have heard the term “mutual masturbation” since middle school sex ed, but as a sex and relationship coach, I’m here to bring it back, because it’s a pleasure-filled gold mine.
In this article, I’m breaking down what mutual masturbation is, why it’s hot, and why more and more couples are experimenting with it. I’ll also show you exactly what you need to know in order to get it right and avoid all awkwardness.
What is Mutual Masturbation?
Simply put, mutual masturbation is when you masturbate in the presence of more people besides yourself. (Quite often, this means your partner.)
It’s when you touch yourself in a pleasurable way while your partner also touches THEMSELVES in a pleasurable way.
Mutual masturbation is perfect for all kinds of scenarios. For example, if you and your partner have a long-distance relationship and can’t be in the same room, if you’re dealing with low libido or trouble orgasming with a partner, or if you’re dealing with premature ejaculation, injury or postpartum, mutual masturbation is a great way to keep the pleasure alive.
What You Need to Pull Off Mutual Masturbation
While it’s hard to screw up mutual masturbation itself, it can still be easy to inadvertently create an awkward encounter.
But if you do get it right, you can open up a treasure chest of pleasure and knowledge about your partner.
Really, you don’t need many bells and whistles to pull off mutual masturbation. All you need is:
- An open mind, a sense of safety, and being okay with being vulnerable. The main barrier to mutual masturbation is self-consciousness.
- Courage! It can take a lot of courage at first to pleasure yourself in front of your partner. Most of us were taught that masturbation is shameful and we should never share it with anyone. (We’ll address how to handle shame in just a second.)
The 6 Benefits of Mutual Masturbation
First, let’s dive into the main benefits of mutual masturbation: why you would want to try this with your partner in the first place.
1. It’s perfectly safe.
Mutual masturbation is the safest way to have sex with another person because you’re not exchanging bodily fluids. So if you’re waiting for the STD test results from Let’s Get Checked to come back, this is a safe way to stay sexually connected. (And yes, both phone and video sex count!)
2. It’s educational.
It can be a challenge to tell another person how you like to be pleasured… sometimes it’s hard to put something like that into words. But by watching each other masturbate, you get a sense of how the other person likes to be touched.
3. It makes for great foreplay.
Use mutual masturbation to pique arousal, to get SUPER turned on, and to get her wet and ready …. so you can go straight from mutual masturbation into fingering, oral sex, penetrative sex, or whatever comes next.
This is also an excellent option for women who have a hard time reaching orgasm during traditional “penis-in-vagina sex”. She can get herself as close to orgasm as possible, and then you can begin penetration at the very last minute… leading to an incredible orgasm.
4. It’s easy and adaptable for all people.
If someone recently had an injury, gave birth, or any other medical circumstance, mutual masturbation can keep your sex life hot without having to cease sexual activity altogether.
Mutual masturbation also comes in handy for men who aren’t able to last as long in bed, which leads me to my next point.
5. Mutual masturbation can help men last longer in bed.
Mutual masturbation allows you to practice the techniques outlined in my course Come When You Want — while also being with your partner. The great thing about the Come When You Want Course is that it’s 98% effective in helping men last longer in bed. In this course, I teach you techniques that help you learn all about arousal, where your “point of no return” is, and how you can use masturbation to extend your sexual stamina and last longer when you’re with a woman.
6. It helps demystify and de-shame pleasure.
It might be out of your comfort zone at first, but just the very act of masturbating in front of another person can be a healing act.
Just like having a lover tell you that your genitals are beautiful/huge/juicy or delicious can be a healing experience, taking and then surviving the risk of sharing your pleasure with another person is great for melting away shame and stigma.
How to Gracefully Introduce Mutual Masturbation Into Your Relationship
How do you go about this without creating awkwardness or being weird?
1. Be the one to initiate.
How do you initiate mutual masturbation?
Talk about it! Say, “I’d love to watch you pleasure yourself. I think it would be super hot.”
For example, if you’re in a long distance relationship, you can say something like, “I really miss touching and being with you, but I think I figured out the next best thing…”
Or if you’re trying to avoid spreading disease, you can say something like, “I know how we can have sex and still stay six feet apart.” WINK WINK.
2. Bring up your fears.
I call this the safety conversation because it’s where you talk about your fears. This looks like the following phrases:
- “I’m afraid of you judging me.”
- “I’m afraid of looking funny.”
- “I’m afraid that you’ll find my genitals ugly.”
A big part of why mutual masturbation brings people closer together is because they can share vulnerability in that way. That’s why it’s essential to not skip this step.
3. Set the mood.
Put on some music, light some candles, grab the lube, and keep any toys or other props well within reach. If you’re getting down digitally, I recommend setting yourself up beforehand with some lights and maybe a phone stand to avoid any logistics weirdness. Hate to mess up the vibe trying to set up the right angle!
4. Celebrate a job well wanked!
Once you’re done, anchor in all those good feelings by discuss what went right.
Save the post-game playback and analytics for later, right now we are just going over the highlights with statements like, “It was so hot when this happened,” or “I got so turned on when you did that.”
Should You Watch Porn While Mutually Masturbating?
Turning on porn can help alleviate awkwardness because it can normalize what you’re doing.
BUT, I always suggest trying mutual masturbation first without porn.
First, try to stay within your own body and mindset, and see how that goes. Keep your attention on yourself and your partner.
What if your partner isn’t interested in mutual masturbation and feels too shy?
That’s what the safety conversation is for: talking out your fears and listening to each other’s fears and insecurities to clear the air.
Keep in mind that no one should be made to do anything they’re not comfortable doing.
But if she’s on the fence, if she doesn’t know how she feels about it, you can warm her up by saying, “Hey, it’s totally cool if you don’t want to self-pleasure in front of me. But is it okay if I still do it in front of you? Or do you want to stop and do something else?”
Let her know that you find her SEXY, ATTRACTIVE and that you love how she looks!
What if I masturbate in a super weird way, and they’re going to think I’m a freak?
Take a deep breath.
Chances are the way you masturbate is not as weird as you think. People masturbate in a bunch of different ways, and whatever feels good to you is perfectly okay. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you don’t feel safe to be vulnerable with your partner, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to be having sex with them in the first place.
Use the safety conversion to feel them out, help to clear the air and talk about your fears. Say how you feel, and remember that as soon as you share your self-conscious thoughts, the anxiety tends to disappear.