Many people end up in boring, routine, and uninspired sex lives because they’re unwilling to speak up and ask for all the new, kinky things they want to try between the sheets. 

Even as a sex and relationship coach, I’ve struggled in the past to use my words — to bring up to my lover what I was actually interested in trying with them. 

Look — talking about sex to your partner can be difficult. In fact, it can feel like a minefield. What if you ask your partner about new things to try during sex, and they see you as some kind of weirdo? 

What if they never look at you the same way again?

The painful awkwardness of your request falling flat can be avoided.

That’s why this blog article will review conversation starters you can use tonight that will get your partner excited for trying new, kinky things during sex, instead of them thinking you’re a deranged perv.

After reading this article, you’ll know how to introduce new, spicy sex acts in a way that increases the chance of them happening, and increases the chance of them being wonderful. 

Why we’re afraid to talk to our partners about sex (especially when it comes to kink!) 

The best way to improve your sex life? Ask for what you want. 

So why is it so hard? 

If you’ve ever sat across from your lover…. Whether it’s the second or thousandth time you’ve been together in bed, and you’ve wanted to say something to them, wanted to invite them into your inner world, your fantasy, and it just got stuck?

According to psychologists, couples avoid diving into conversations about sex — specifically what they want in their sex lives — because they perceive this conversation as a threat to their sex life, specifically, a threat to how their partner will perceive them. 

Secondly, sex is, unfortunately, shrouded in shame in American culture, and we’re all taught to stay on the “hush hush” when it comes to talking about sex of ANY kind — especially the kind of sex we want. 

Thirdly, our sexual education in America is woefully lacking. (For most of us, sexual education was our gym teacher telling us to avoid sex alltogether, lest our dicks fall off.) 

It is because of this shame and ignorance that makes it so hard for us to talk about what we want in bed. We think our sexual needs are something to be ashamed of. We think our sexual needs will invite others to judge us. And when it comes to our romantic relationships, we often don’t want to hold our love over the fire like that. 

That’s why it’s more important than ever for us to lift this shroud of shame… to overcome our relationship anxieties around threat and acceptance, and push past the anxiety to achieve the sex lives we truly deserve. 

5 Steps to Get Your Partner to Love Your Kinky Idea

Let’s put away the shame and fear for a second and keep our eyes on the prize: an amazing, titillating, fulfilling, and adventurous sex life. 

Here’s how to bring up the kinky things you want to do in bed… and ensure your partner stays on the same page. 

1. Know what you’re asking for.  

Do your own research. By the time you have the conversation, you should have enough familiarity with the subject to bring it up with your partner. 

For example, you might want to try Shibari rope tie, or erotic bondage rope tie. But you might have a very limited level of experience with rope ties (if any). It’s a really special skill, and you absolutely DO need to learn about it before tying someone up. 

There’s a really good reason for this. 

If you tie up your partner without knowing what you’re doing, you might cut off their blood flow, and cause permanent damage. 

And look — we’re in the business of making sex better and NOT more painful or harmful. You absolutely do need to know what you’re doing and what you’re talking about before you pull in your partner. 

At the very least, have some answers, so you’re more likely to garner trust when your partner has questions. 

2. Ask your partner if now is a good time for a sexy conversation. 

One of the secrets to successful conversations is good timing. 

Before sitting down for a conversation about kinky sex ideas, ask if now is even a good time. 

You can say something like, “Hey, there’s something really exciting I want to talk to you about, but I don’t want to bring it up unless you have the mind space, and the capacity to hear it. So is now a good time, or should we schedule that conversation?” 

This can be tricky, but it’s so worth it. 

The last thing you want is to introduce your new kinky role play fantasy only to find out that your partner’s cat is in the cat hospital with a horrible cat disease. You want them to be able to be fully present to hear your request. 

3. Clear the air. 

It’s natural to feel nervous before sharing something as vulnerable as the kinky things you want to try in bed. Trust me — you’ll feel so much better after clearing the air.

Maybe you’ll say, “I really want to share this idea that I want us to try, but I’m really nervous because I don’t want you to think I’m a freak.” or, “I’m really afraid to share this with you because the last time I told my ex about this, they told me that I was a pervert and it really hurt my feelings, so it’s really tender for me to talk about.” 

Or, “Hey, I want to share this with you, but I’m so nervous to say it out loud. Can you just promise that even if you’re a big no that you’ll at least hear me out?” 

Simply acknowledging that you’re anxious is the best way to get that nervous tension out of your body and speaking with full clarity and confidence. 

This is also a great tip if you ever do public speaking. You walk on stage and you go, “Wow, I’m really nervous. This is such a big audience. You guys look really great. You’re super attractive.” Saying things like that helps to clear the air and then you don’t have to pretend that you’re not nervous. Now, everyone knows that you’re nervous and everyone has been nervous before. So we can all empathize with what you’re experiencing in that moment and invites others into your inner world.

4. Ask their consent. 

You’ve already asked for their consent to have the conversation. Now you’re asking for their consent to take the conversation even further.

Rule of thumb: don’t put pressure on them to decide right then and there. You could say, “You don’t have to answer right now. I really want you to think about this, but would you be open to experimenting with a new toy in the bedroom? I think I could have better orgasms.” 

This takes the pressure off of both of you. You don’t have to sit there and figure it out right then and there. You actually get to separate, go take your own time and really process this new information. 

Especially if it’s a bigger ask, like bringing a third person into the bedroom, you might want to check out this blog article about How To Have a Threesome. 

5. Reconvene and discuss at a later date. 

Don’t try to make this happen right then and there. In fact, choose a time and place for this conversation that works for you both. For some people, it is on a date over dinner. For some people, it is at home in the privacy of your living room after having a glass of wine. For some people, it is immediately after the last time that you had sex. 

See, it doesn’t have to be hard. Having a step-by-step guide and a script makes it a whole lot easier for you to introduce something new into the bedroom. And then my maybe most important pro tip on this is that no matter what your partner says, you have to bring it up. You do no one any favors by pretending this isn’t important to you. 

Listen, the clock is running out. Hiding things, keeping things in the dark and feeling shame or guilt are recipes for disaster and the longer you let it fester, the harder it’s going to be for you to bring it up and get that need met.
If you need any help opening up sexually, or you’re curious about how to do new things or what new things are available, please apply for coaching. My team and I would be happy to help you figure out what new things there are to try and how to engage in those with your partner. No matter if you are single or married or an empty nester, we are here for you. We’ve got you.